talkcock+tambah

1st blog of 2012: Retiring jokes

2012-01-02T12:57:00.006+08:00

Jokes are like porn videos. They're not as good as the first time you were exposed to it. - me, 2011

Some comedians, like me, retire jokes. Why? Because the jokes have gone stale. Because certain topics - current affairs topics, are not current anymore. Because the jokes do not evoke as much emotion from the audience as before. So, every year, I retire a few jokes and these jokes are mainly not evergreen topics. Topics like:

Joke 1: Malaysian football:

[Wear Malaysian national football team jersey 2010]

You must be wondering why I'm wearing this jersey. It's because it's my most favourite Malaysian jersey. Not because Malaysia won something, it's because this is the most Malaysian of ALL Malaysian jerseys. Look at it -- like some bloody rempit ran over me like that. So Malaysian.

We wore it when we won the Suzuki Cup. The Suzuki Cup. [Do riding motorbike gesture] So Malaysian.

Maybe the players think they can really win motorbike. [Reenact scene]

When we won, we got a public holiday. I didn’t know the Suzuki Cup so important! We didn’t get a holiday when our squash player become number 1, badminton player become number 1. Not one holiday. Half-day also don’t have.

Imagine if we win the World Cup -- whole week holiday! If we ever qualify -- 1 month holiday.

Remember the final when we beat Indonesia 3-0 at Bukit Jalil. Create such a bad PR towards the Indonesians - they send their football team here, we beat beat them. Send their badminton players here, we beat them. [Under breath] Send their maids, also we beat them. This is bad.

And in that match, some smart Malaysians who brought their laser and shot lasers at the Indonesian goalkeeper, trying to blind him. When Indonesia lost, ALL the Indonesians got angry. But why, Indonesians? [WAIT, ARE THERE ANY INDONESIANS HERE? Don’ have right? I know 'cause got no lasers on me.]

So, why you so angry? We just blind your goalkeeper, ONE goalkeeper, all Indonesians get angry. Every year, you send your haze and blind ALL of us, we also not angry!

==END==

Joke 2: Sissy Camp

Heard of the camp in Terengganu for effeminate boys. Effeminate boys means those boys who are very sissy, very girly - I don't [insert victim] told me. [*point at one corner* YOU SEE THAT! Ah, those boys in the crowd who turn their head very fast are most likely effeminate boys, and they are probably folding their arms now. While pouting.]

You see, this camp has 66 boys with effeminate tendencies, who religious teachers claim that they might become full-blown transvestites, cross-dressers or Aznil, if they are given masculine behaviour training.

Masculine behaviour training? What IS masculine behaviour training? Their timetable is how? 2pm: wake up with a hangover. 3pm: get out of bed and have a cigarette for breakfast. 3.10: Check Facebook and Twitter. 5pm: Play DOTA, Left For Dead or Skyrim. Midnight: Sleepy, so check 9Gag first. 1am: Feeling horny so look for porn. 1.05am: clean keyboard with tissue.
WHAT THE HECK IS MASCULINE BEHAVIOUR?

And is this camp suppose to scare effeminate boys? What happens when you tell an effeminate boy that he's going to a camp with other effeminate boys? [Act out: "OMIGOD! I'M LIKE SO GOING THERE! WE'RE GONNA WATCH GLEE, HAVE PILLOW FIGHTS..."]

Effeminate boys in a camp? Haven't they watched Brokeback Mountain? Two boys is enough and they now have 66 boys. Even number some more. And don't think the number 66 look like 2 people spooning?

What's scary to me is, this camp is going after all the effeminate boys in Malaysia. I can't imagine who Malaysia will be without effeminate boys? Who is going to host Akedemi Fantasia? Who's going to teach us how to cook? WHO ARE WE GOING TO SEND TO OUTER SPACE?!

==END==

More jokes to follow this path, I'm afraid. Gotta do more evergreen topics.

Inane babbles

2011-11-11T23:05:00.002+08:00

Since nobody reads this shit, I'll make this blog page a junkyard for my half-baked, undeveloped, unfunny and, at times, mind-boggling statements, which were once jotted down somewhere and waiting to be revisited and refurbished into, well, jokes. Here's one prime example -

MY NAME
My name is Chi Ho. Chi, as in Chinese feng shui... chi. And Ho, as in good... hou. So, in some sense, my name literally means Good Feng Shui - your house needs me.

You don't need to buy one of those mini water fountains with those spinning balls on it 'cause I've got 'em ... two. You can't see them but they are spinning. On some liquid.

And good feng shui is all about the elements and I assure you, ladies, I have all the element. Metal because I'll be your knight in shining armour, earth because I'm down to earth, water because my money is like that -- always flowing, fire because I have passion, in bed; and wood... *snigger*

///END\\\

Towels

2011-10-11T19:52:00.004+08:00

Strange thought. Ever pondered how remarkable towels are?

A towel can be used to 'usher in' life, as sheets to cover babies right after birth.

It also can be used to 'take away' life, as a weapon to gag or to suffocate a victim or victims.

A towel can be used to wipe away imperfections to help one accentuate external beauty.

It also can be used to hide one's imperfections.

A towel can soak up the sweat of one who works hard.

Or one can 'throw in the towel', to signify a premature end to one's hard work.

Love is like a joke...

2011-08-26T17:53:00.005+08:00

Spent the last ounce of my writing mojo rehashing one sentence for the past 4 hours, another writer's block seem imminent. Perhaps, I should just lay back on my chair, pour me a shot of whiskey, light a cigarette and clear my thoughts, but that's not my style. Cigarette smoke makes my curtains smell.

However, it in such moments, something in my head always light up, like a bulb, but a low voltage one since I'm into green technology. And emanating from that light this time is a realization of the co-relation between girlfriends and a joke. In many sense, girlfriends are a joke, but not in a derogatory manner lah.

Also, it's not the idealistic, pure version of girlfriend too but rather, the more 'manufactured' and 'commercialized' version. The one we were all thought or accepted in this day of age, whether you have the propensity or genitalia to be a girlfriend or not. Apologies, that was the Monash Commie side of me talking.

OK, OK, here's what I think. You know how when you tell a joke, it's funny, people around you laugh but there's always this party-pooper at the corner going, "Wait, I don't get it." And after a customary retell of the joke from the joke teller and, if necessary, followed by the voluntary attempts of explaining the joke by those who got the joke, the buffoon at the corner goes, "Oh, I get it now. Means, you're saying Siti Nurhaliza had taken off her tudung before, but in front of another man and not Datuk K, which she is not supposed to do, as an examplary Muslimin. Yup, I get it."

If you happened to be in a similar situation of this buffoon, you ARE a buffoon (too), and that although those around you are, genuinely, grateful that you got the joke, when in actual fact, you did not get the joke at all. You either get the joke once the joke is told or you just don't. You just have to know.

Now apply this to relationships, a girlfriend-boyfriend situation. Girlfriend can't decide on what to have for dinner, boyfriend throws in a few suggestions but nothing tickles her fancy. In the end, boyfriend picks the wrong choice of food and girlfriend ends up silently sulking. Boyfriend asks why she sulks but girlfriend says nothing. Nothing is never ever nothing to a girlfriend. You either get what your girlfriend says once she has said what she said or you just don't. You just have to know.

But in this girlfriend-boyfriend example, Japanese or Korean food would be a every boyfriend's wild card. If not, be it mamak or The Chicken Rice Shop, just take photos with your girlfriend. That'll shut her up. Too.

General Jamban

2011-08-26T14:09:00.003+08:00

I like visiting my in-laws but the shit thing is, there is no place to park my car in that neighbourhood except for the neighbourhood’s communal toilet - a grassy patch stretch along the roadside, where all the pet’s from that neighbourhood and other neighbourhoods nearby pay their debts to nature.

You see, that’s okay when the sun is still your visual aid. But when night falls, the moon’s inherent ability as a visual aid pales in comparison, you see.

So, walking back to my car, I have to entrust my Blackberry to moonlight as a torch, which, in this case, provides little reinforcement to er, moon light, to somehow help me through this shit-uation. In a futile feat to navigate a clean path around the faeces convention that is present each night, one only can leave it to luck on whether one will end up with clean soles or unclean soles.

When luck is ditches you, it's better just to have one shitty sole.

Or better yet, one shitty sole that is not smudged on cat poo.

Or better yet, one shitty sole that is smudged on dried out cat or dog poo.

Or better yet, one clean sole but you’re not hopping into your own car.

A funny thing happened on the escalator...

2011-08-25T19:26:00.002+08:00

My motivational levels have been running low lately, much like the excuses of our government to justify their ‘good governance’. My self-prescription for this rare condition of mine was retail therapy, after consulting my financial advisor in the form of an ATM, of course.

Retail therapy took just 40 minutes and in that 40 minutes, I bought two things which I don’t have time for these days - a toy and some books. After satisfying my mental state and having nothing left to spend, besides on a glass of teh tarik and on the parking ticket, I decided to leave.

With my new toy and books in a pink plastic bag hooked onto my index finger, I stepped onto the escalator, which will take me to the ground floor from the fourth. After a while I noticed everyone, on the opposite escalator - the one heading up - looking at me, before veering to the family in front of me and then back at me. Baffled, I looked at the family before me and saw what these people saw.

On that same escalator, there before me stood (what looks like) a Poh Poh or grandma, Kong Kong or grandpa, with their granddaughter and grandson (whom are still eligible for kindergarten, I think). Hooked onto this boy’s and girl’s index fingers was their own respective pink plastic bag and in those pink plastic bags, their own respective toy. Now, zoom out and see the whole picture, with me, holding onto my own pink plastic big that holds my own toy. Zoom out some more watch me as slide, quietly down, from the fourth floor to ground, with this family of four before me. I AM NOT THEIR GRANDCHILDREN!

Damn you, coincidence! Some times you’re on my side but when you put me in a joke, why must I always be your punchline? I wish I had the guts to pull out my phone, press it against my ear and shout, “Look, the kids miss you, okay! THEY MISS YOU! THEY ARE YOUR KIDS TOO! They are too young to understand what is D-I-V-O-R-C-E. Why don’t YOU buy toys for them the next time YOU spend time with them!”

(And repeat after, in the next flight of escalator, on the next floor.)

#3 Comedy in Malaysia today: Same old, same old

2011-04-10T15:30:00.005+08:00

"Hey Chi Ho! I was at your show lah last night. Eh, why you tell all your old jokes wan? Cannot make new jokes wan meh?"

"Eh hi! Thanks for coming to my show. By the way, which is your favourite Linkin Park song?"

"Numb lo!"

"Farker, dang old song, right? Ask them to write new song lah. You treat me the very double standard wei."

Yes, we all have double standards when it comes to the treatment of comedians - forcing us to listen to your jokes that we've already heard many times over, not will to date us, among other maltreatment. Most of this negativity is directed to our jokes. Like a good friend once said, "If you go to U2's concert, you want to hear their old songs. Why can't people just listen to (comedians') old jokes?"

Well, perhaps jokes are different from songs. You get a totally different feeling of exhilaration when you hear a joke, as compared to a song. When was the last time you laughed at a chorus and jizzed in your pants. The thrill-factor is much higher in jokes too, hence the exhilaration, though brief, deserts us much more quickly. Like cum.

Speaking of cum, jokes are much like porn movies. Come on, watching the same old porn clip does not work without some extra help from your personal wank-box. I'm talking about your imagination. If a new porn movie takes you to places for the first time, it'll take you there for several more stops before it gets you nowhere, and that new porn movie eventually becomes old. Much like a joke.

Some comedians may write jokes every day, but only some jokes can work on an every day. Though there's a funny side to everything, there are many things to consider when it comes to the formulation of jokes. For instance, should a comedian joke about what happened to Japan? I did but I'm not telling that joke. Why? One man's joke is another man's poison and another woman's perplexity.

I think this assumption that comedians have an arsenal of new material every 24 hours stems from our exposure to comedy, be it from books or the Internet. There are tonnes of jokes, funnies or gags out there, but just because we only like (or know) one (or a handful of) comedians, we assume that that either the hero or the heroine comedian is ever-oozing with new material. It does seem like that in books and the Internet, but have ever you questioned what goes on behind the lives of those few comedians?

They have writers. Lots of them. They have comedy tours. Lots of them. And they don't return to their same spot for almost a year, which gives them time to cook up new funnies. Oh, and for the last 'them', I meant the writers. Of course. So, the next time you hear from this same comedian, "Hey! The dude's got new stuff! Let's download it! How the hell did he came up with shit like this?"

Here in Malaysia. What bloody 'comedy tour' do local comics have? We might travel up north, down south or to some place called Borneo but we're back in the same shit hole (comedy venue) after a month. And within that time, I would say the comics would only have coughed out 5 minutes of new material, depending on how many local scandals unfold within that month and depending on whether they write material or not (Yeah, plagiarism is rampant here.)

Over here, audiences are more used to the anecdotal form of jokes. A long story, followed by a twist then a punchline. Normally, jokes on sex and relationships work best. Somehow, this ritual of telling jokes limits the playing field of local comedians, forcing them through a single chute and in turn, drawing the audience with them. The method and topics become exhaustive and the audience get bored. Another reason to ask for new jokes, I suppose.

But perhaps, we should look into the readiness of our audiences at receiving 'new' jokes. I used to tell one-liners but somehow, I feel that, as a local, you're not allowed to sound smarter than you look. But when some white guy does the same, he's automatically brilliant. At least it explains why we don't look highly at our leaders. Seems to me that we're restricted to our own stereotypes - Chinese guys have small dicks, Malay girls are easy and Indians are just plain problematic.So, how can new jokes creep up from this endless and constrained cycle of rhetoric?

So, before you open that pie hole of yours and complain about local comedians repeat their old material, perhaps one should ask oneself first, "Am I ready for new jokes?" At the end of the day, when a new sex position does not work, don't we all return to a more familiar position to get the job done? Then, aren't we all okay with the same old, same old? So, really, there's double standards on how we treat comedians and jokes.

Damn. I could have written some new material by now.

Smartag? LIke seriously?

2011-03-24T13:08:00.003+08:00

Bought my first and very own Smartag not too long ago. Of course, like most (if not all) new Smartag users, we've learned that this contraption, although it provides a more convenient way to leech out our pennies to the myriad thugs (sorry) tolls on our roads, it also provides a cause for concern. While the Smartag is a vice to our bank accounts, it beefs up the bank accounts of the many agents of vices, namely burglars.

You see, my dad got his car window bashed into (on a night he forgot to lock his car) and his Smartag stolen. Having gotten used to it, he unthinkingly bought another. Now, he has to constantly remind himself to keep the thing hidden from burglars but most of the time, the thing keeps itself 'hidden' from him, seconds before he hit the toll barrier.

But I've seen these 'Smartags' before in Australia. It's a much smaller contraption, permanently etched onto the top of car windscreens, hidden away from opportunistic eyes. So why can't we have that here? It was then I realized, that our very own 'Smartag' might fall on a different marketing plan. Allow me to interest you in my assumed findings.

The (mock) Smartag business plan

Subject: Smartag
Marketed Purpose: To be of convenience to unfortunate motorists who use motorways with tolls
Real Purpose: To maximize on profits

Smartag design
Marketed Design: Sleek, futuristic and convenient
Real Purpose of Design: Absolutely clumsy looking and huge so that motorists will find it hard placing it in their vehicle, hence, burglars will be able to easily spot it and hopefully, steal it. Then, the burglary victims will be forced to buy a new Smartag, thus, complying to our Real Purpose: To maximize on profits.

If these victims attempt to hide their Smartags, they will soon realize that the Smartag is not friendly to most door pockets, seat pockets and other storage compartments of their vehicle. Placing the Smartag in glove compartments is not encourage because motorists are forced to look for it when they are approaching tolls. Also, the sleek design of Smartag has no rubber or non-slip panels, which stops the effects of sliding.

So, in order to reinforce the initial Real Purpose, a holder is provided (FOR FREE) and instructions is provided to place the contraption in the most obvious location; on the windscreen. With that, this method will, again, further reinforce the statements made in the first paragraph of Real Purpose of Design.

Safety concerns (classified): Due to various reports, the bulky, heavy and detached Smartags may have caused injuries to motorists during road accidents as debris or blunt trauma hazards, upon impact. However, without sufficient proof of this, even though the possibility of such cases occurring is high, the makers of Smartags have decided to forego this safety issue, in line with the nation's most used motto by services providers - if there's nothings wrong, don't fix it even though you know that something is going to go wrong.

---end---

Had to write. Just had to.

2011-02-15T04:08:00.003+08:00

Holy hell! I left 10 months out of my self-review of 2010. Oh well, it's 2011 and the year presents new aspirations, hopes and challenges.

I ended my 2010 having done to many things (mostly for people), made too many promises (except for myself) and helped too many people (who didn't help me in return). So, I'm going to be a little bit stingy this year and help myself more.

With this blog, I think I'll change it's feel a bit and chuck in more jokes. Hopefully, it'll somewhat authenticate the stuff that I did. I always wanted to do a different style of comedy but the anecdotal style of our comedy made it hard for me to break out and also, restrict my comedy in the similar style.

I believe that the three steps to constructing a joke - the setup, the twist and the punch line (the basic formula of joke formation) - can be delivered in just one sentence.

Don't really dig this whole 'joke formula' equation? Here's an example:

'Yo mama so stupid (setup), when she threw a rock on the ground (twist/situation), she missed (punch line)'

Simple right? But the idea of reducing this formula into a sentence or just a combination of a few words, the comedian has to 'incept' one of the three step into the audience's mind, which, eventually, presents the problem of why I was told such jokes won't work - audiences here are not matured comedy audiences.

Say all you want, but most members of the audience need to be fed with punch lines. Any local comedian will tell you this. The joke is not obvious enough, they need to be hinted on what the joke really is. Persona helps and on certain occasions, race too. An Indian comic to do a smart joke isn't really going happen.

Then again, there are many other elements that make a joke work but I think, a big part of it is the audience intelligence and know-how, other than the quality of the comedian. Heck, some jokes don't even follow the formula, which are the type of jokes that I'm used to writing, a lot.

Here are some one-liners designed to make you chuckle.

1) What's amnesia again?

2) Do synchronized swimmers have dry runs?

3) Funny how the first place we all learned to get high is called high school.

4) Being an underaged paedophile is fine.

5) Which dinosaur knows many words? Thesaurus

Won't get a roaring laughter and standing ovation but hey, it made you flex your brain a bit, right? RIGHT?

2010 year in review #2 February - Harith's show, CNY

2010-12-19T23:14:00.007+08:00

Can't really remember much about February accept doing a show with Harith (Yes, THE Harith Iskander).

The invitation came as a shock to me (just like when I found out The Hanson's were not sisters). I can't remember how we got into the topic but I can recall vaguely that he texted me and asked me if I was free on so-and-so days. I was, but frankly, I wanted to say 'no' as my day job was really getting into my head. But I said 'yes' anyways because, well, it's Harith Iskander! Farking hard to say 'no' to Harith Iskander. It's like him saying 'no' to food!

Plus, Jenhan's doing it too so I thought it'll be quite a cool comedy-bromance thingy. But of course, as always, Jenhan earned it lah. Whereas me, apparently, Harith said I was 'part of his plans' from the start. Slightly proudening moment for me there - I was never 'part of (someone's) plans' except for April Fool's pranks.

So, I did the show (it's called This ... is it???, 3-7 February, 2010. My name wasn't in the poster) I came on the last two-three days and man, I sucked. Big time. Like Harith big! OK, make it Rosmah's hair big.

On the last night, the crowd gave Jenhan a standing ovation while I only earned a chuckle. If only I had one more week to prepare or better yet, if I was jobless, I would've gotten a clap.

That night, I remember going off to meet the likes of Patrick Teoh, Joanne Kam, Junji Delfino, Gavin Yap, Michael Veerapan (I think) and Douglas after the show at Patrick's steamboat place and telling them how I sucked. Man, I felt like shit - even shit won't wanna take my place. If there really was such a thing as reincarnation and karma, I must be Hitler in my past life. Oh well, at least I get to eat for free (thanks Patrick!)

After all that, MACC had our big makan! At some S. Korean barbeque place at Ampang (near Douglas' place mah) then we shisha-ed the night thru. Again, feeling the distance. I wish I had brought my Gameboy. Oh well, at least we got some nice pics of Jenhan's new toy - a period-stain coloured polaroid. KACHIK-ZRRRTTT-FWAPFWAPFWAPFWAP-VOILA!!!

Then, err, CNY I guess. It was a really convenient one too, right smacked on V-day! Lose money on V-day, instant cash back at open houses! This CNY was more memorable though - I remember going to Ipoh to meet the family, whom were getting louder (because the Golden Oldies are getting older). Also remember having some traditional Yee Sang - ye know, fresh vege, home-made gravy and none of that processed crap. Got to see my rascal-delic nephews and niece too.

And I think there's was this comedy gig at Laila's. Not a very conducive place for comedy and it was a forgettable night (both for the audience and comics) so I can't really remember much.

Well, that's all I guess. Thanks for not reading :)

Or reading but not commenting ;)

Apologies, the blogger is (still) too lazy to edit his werk.

2010 year in review #1 - MACC, book, downpayment

2010-12-10T00:18:00.008+08:00

Told myself I should write something but, as always, you get stuck after your first sentence.
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Okay. Maybe I should write about my 2010. It's been a good year. Or maybe it's because my memory can be only stretch as far back as a year.

January: Kicked off the year brimming with optimism that it's going to a shitty year. A busy year. And it was. Still.

If I remember quite correctly, it's more than a year into my writer's job for Cosmetic Surgery and Beauty Magazine and it's more than two years since I started doing comedy on my own. Okay, to be fair, I was already on my own since forming The ComeBackKings. Well, at least I got more appreciation doing stand-up.

We kicked off Time Out KL in Zouk, having ditched Little Havana the previous year. I think we did good. We always did good at Zouk. Always.

And I recall getting some contacts from Time Out, requesting for our comedic services and after that, nothing. So much for building an industry.

That month, I was busy with MACC: First EGM (CNY Edition). It was the restaging of our first MACC show, the one where I bailed halfway thanks to a rather (late) nasty bout of chicken pox. I remember my boss asking me why I've never gotten it earlier and my reply was simply, "well, I've no friends." Note to self: In future, ask my children to befriend friends with chicken pox to avoid my predicament.

Frankly, I felt that a bit of me was lost when I had to those pox. Through MACC, I had the privilege to meet a lot of 'prominent figures' in the industry, most of whom have not seen my performance. So, for the CNY Edition, it felt like I was making a second impression. If it's hard to make a first impression, try making a second impression.

I remember going on stage and not knowing what to do. Those were my jokes but it wasn't me. Should manufacture jokes that will sit well with the Malaysian audience? By doing so, won't it impede individuality? If the entire industry is headed that way, won't it come to a point when every comedian's jokes sound more or less the same? Hmph.

Plus, I felt the gap between me and Douglas/Jenhan widening. Most of the time, I feel alone among them. Maybe it was because of my day job. And rocking up to the stage at 7pm was bad, bad for concentration and bad for fitting in with the two.

But good part was, well, we sold 90 percent of the tickets and with my share of the money, I used it for the downpayment of our current place.

And my bestie pulled a surprise birthday thingy for me on our last show day. The fifth proper birthday thingy of my life - too little to learn how important birthdays are to others.

Oh, and at the office, we got our bonuses too. Apparently, it was the company's first in five years. I joined the company a year before so I liked to think that it was part of my efforts. Finally, the book I helped wrote 7 stories finally saw the light of day. It was by far the most tiring thing I ever done since squirming out of my mom.

I also auditioned for KLPAC's indicinel!ve. Got called back but the second round of auditions fell on MACC show nights so ...

Apologies, the blogger is too lazy to edit his work. But at least this blogger has more words than photos and does not pout in his photos.

Two years is nothing...

2010-10-27T01:02:00.003+08:00

I came across this by chance (and thanks to one of my most trusted connections).

I got to do a bit of dubbing for a local movie, which, in my mind, is going to be categorised under 'international film' thanks to our hypocritical, Malaysia 'systemisation' of things. The movie is called 'The DVD' (English/Malaysian).

Taking from the some shots of the movie that I had seen, I figured that the movie evolves around a teenager, who chose to make a quick buck from gangsters by selling them pornographic content. Gradually, he started degrading morally and got deeper into the gangsters' ways. Of course, things got out of hand (eventually) but I only know this much.

But what surprised me most was that the movie was shot 5 years ago. 5 bloody years. That's 3 more than The Joshua Tapes (a movie that I was heavily involved in) and, coming to think of it, the snippets of The DVD were better in certain ways - better picture quality, more exciting story line and shittier acting.

Suddenly, it all dawned on me that our local film industry really needs help. Taking five years for a movie (made for the cinema) to reach the cinema is pretty shit. Either that or our producers really need a kick in the butts for procrastinating. I think the motivation should come from the belief that movies are made for the viewers and not for a director's/producer's own fancy. With that, while the journey is in making a movie, the final destination of every director/producer should be the audiences' acceptance/reaction, be it applause or condemnation.

Maybe I should make a movie first before posting this. Hmph.

Unused material

2010-10-14T01:32:00.002+08:00

Hmm. Since nobody reads this blog, I thought it'll be a wise junkyard for my unused jokes.

These jokes are, either, unused by people I write jokes for or unused due to timeliness.

So, for a start, here are some jokes I wrote for an emcee, who was doing the '100 millionth passenger party' for AirAsia and didn't use any of it. Here are the raw jokes, as copied and pasted from the MS Word file.

Jokes for AirAsia show 13/10/10

1. PILOTS

All the pilots say, WOO! All the co-pilots say, WOO! Now, all the auto-pilots says, WOO! What? You all invited so little auto-pilots? The one who does ALL the flying?!!

2. And if all of you are here, who is flying the planes? (by Matt Ho)

3. 100 million

Congratulations on your 100 millionth passenger. 100 million. In India, that’s nothing. A 100 million people is like my village. Or like my family. On my father’s side.

4. PROUD OF INDIANS

Very proud of you Indians in Malaysia. You Indians have taken everything. Outer space is taken by Ananda Krishna - Astro. On the ground, all the highways are taken by Samy Vellu. Right in middle, is Tony Fernandez.

5. RICHARD BRANSON

All the best to Tony Fernandez, I think Tony is going to beat Richard Branson in the betting game. And we are going to see Richard Branson in women’s clothing. But we all know there’s nothing Virgin about that.(by Jenhan)

6. LOOSE STEWARDESS

Thank you AirAsia for flying me down. I must say, your cabin is a bit tight but lucky your stewardesses a bit loose.

But the problem is, you girls charge for everything. By the time you take off the belt, we’re out of money.

INDIAN BARGAIN
As an Indian on an AirAsia, the flights are always shorter ... because I can’t stop bargaining. “10 ringgit for a plate of Nasi Lemak? Are you kidding me? With 10 ringgit, Tony Fernandez can buy 10 AirAsia companies!

8. MAS PORN

Personally, I don’t like really MAS Airlines. Especially, their uniform. Reminds me of a porn video I watched a long time ago.

9. ILLEGAL TAXI

For all of you who are drunk and cannot drive, don’t worry outside got a lot of illegal taxis waiting to take you home.

10. POEM

Roses are red, violets are blue, if you are getting lucky, there’s Tune Hotel for you!

I just tell jokes...

2010-10-07T02:15:00.006+08:00

Today, someone said I look like the 'comedian' type. That I seem detached from the world and yet, have the uncanny ability to absorb every detail around me. I gathered the person is a bit psycho but I responded to the comments with my much-practised "really ah?"

The fact is, I've never set out to be a comedian (please read Back Story 1*). I just tell jokes. It's only when one is making a living out of telling jokes that makes one a comedian. Mine is just a hobby. A paid hobby.

The funny thing is, I received that comment just before my play rehearsal (please read Back Story 2*) and acting, however, feels right for me. It has always been. Sometimes, I like to think that I'm acting on stage, where I play a character that resembles a (supposed) funny version of me. Sadly, I always ended playing the struggling comedian role. I think it'll be ultra ironic if, one day, I play an unfunny comedian in a play. Hmm.

But by the looks of things, comedy pays well whereas acting, well, let's just say I'm a face transplant away from making it.

Back Story 1*
Back in 2003, I co-found a comedy group called The ComeBackKings and ever since, my work has been trying to churn out material for the group. I only started walking the path on my own in 2008, at the call of a few friends, to do stand-up comedy. Well, my stand-up comedy debut wasn't really a stand-up performance for me as I've always seen it as a "light hearted monologue".

It went (sorda) well that night and it felt good, so I started doing more. But then, I got carried away by the comedy wave and before I knew it, I was in YCOM, doing Time Out KL Comedy Thursday, performed for Comedy Club KL, opened for Harith and the MACC (the less funny one). So comedy, for me, feels more like work and not as enjoyable as acting.

Back Story 2*
I'm doing Short and Sweet, Week 1.

Life's like this ...

2010-08-10T01:26:00.005+08:00

I'm resigned to believe that I'll never find the time to update this blog since getting this/these new job(s) but heck! I might as well put some info up while I'm here.

I now work as a full-time freelancer (yes, that is my OFFICIAL title according to my latest contract) for FHM, where I'm in full charge of the Upgrade section, FourFourTwo magazine, where I mostly do sub-editing, editing and occasionally, some writing.

On the side, I'm promoting two shows: my latest comedy show, alongside Douglas Lim and Kuah Jenhan, called MACC: Internal Affairs and my first full-length feature movie as part of the main cast. The former opens from 24th to 28th August while the latter, will hit cinemas from 30th September in GSC Pavilion, GSC Mid Valley and GSC One Utama (New Wing).

Exciting? Well, all I can see is the amount of work ahead of me. In between, I have other comedy shows (and comedians) to think about, 4 more contracted guerilla-comedy shows I must honour, and figure out how to get more money to fuel the renovation of my new house. Yes, a NEW house.

Will be moving in soon with my wifey soon but only after the dust from the renovations had settled. The estimation of the renovations add up to about RM30, 000 so do expect some red paint graffiti on my front door.

And to top it all up, I'm actually writing this because it need to vent, before I attempt to write an article about Liverpool's past glories. Nice.

Another day, another earthquake ...

2010-04-20T19:59:00.003+08:00

Fortunately, this is the only earthquake I've ever experienced. "touch wood"

Earlier today, a 5.2 magnitude earthquake hit the southern part of Australia. In China, the government announced a national day of morning for the 2000-odd that lost their lives when a quake flattened the county of Yushu just a few days ago. The papers capitalised on the news, as always. But this year, there seems to be a new earthquake almost every other day.

Are we experiencing more earthquakes than usual? According to Wikipedia, "There are around 500,000 earthquakes each year. 100,000 of these can actually be felt." - Felt but not reported. If there are so many earthquakes, which one gets reported? If there are so many earthquakes, why can't there be 5 new news on earthquakes in one day? So why does it seem like there's more earthquakes than usual, especially this year?

My theory is, the world media is riding on our growing-anxiety about what's going to happen in 2012 (You know, the whole 'end of the world' crap). Why? Coz these stories sell papers. I think.

Medan Selera (Arena of Appetite?)

2010-04-17T08:55:00.005+08:00

Not the best lontong in the Medan Selera but reaping the benefits as the better one was closed.

3 TIMES, I TELL YOU, 3 BLARDY TIMES!

3 times I tried flicking this baby roach away and it comes scurrying back towards my plate of lontong. It is MY lontong and I will defend it like MY Transformers collection! (OK, I only have one Transformers but it's a start.)

As a wind up my finger for my next flick, I saw a bunch of uniformed men from the Municipal Council making their way in. As they scanned around the Medan Selera, I scanned each of their faces and like everyday other Malaysian, I had this innate feeling that some poor warung might be closed down. I can even imaging some poor makcik wailing and emptying her nose into her tudung.

Instead the men sat down next to my table and started ordering food. Then it hit me, of course they're not going to close down any of the warungs in Medan Selera @ Section 14 market. Not because all the warungs are owned by Malays, it's simply because, well ... if they close these roach infested warungs, where else would these uniformed men and their colleagues eat? Also explains why more pricey makan places like Murni and Paandi's get closed down or get away with a warning (respectively).

As I slurped down the sip of kuah lontong, I spotted the little baby roach again. This time, under one of the uniformed men's thumb. Squished. Into kuah lontong.

Well, at least these men were doing their job.

It been awhile...

2010-03-10T17:35:00.002+08:00

Since my last entry, I've been thinking about what to do with this blog.

Should I carry on.

Should I not?

Facebook and Twitter are becoming favourable domains of short-blogs.

Blogs can make you money.

Blogs have unlimited character spaces.

... and that's good enough for me =)

MACC (Malaysian Association of Chinese Comedians) 1st Easy Going Meeting

2009-10-04T18:57:00.008+08:00

Douglas Lim had a dream. A dream to bring laughter to the world. A dream to spread joy across the land. Unfortunately, fate conspired against him. He was born Chinese and was not eligible for Raja Lawak.

But Douglas Lim never gave up. Convinced that the Chinese can be funny, he scoured the country for like-minded (and like-coloured) people. He searched high and low, far and wide and upside down. After 3 years, the search has ended. For behold, he is tired AND he has found 2 other jokers.

Together they are M.A.C.C. – the Malaysian Association of Chinese Comedians and this is their first E.G.M. (Easy Going Meeting). On the agenda are funny observations, song parodies, impersonations and witty revelations from the founding members of M.A.C.C – Douglas Lim, Jenhan and Chi Ho.

No stone is left unturned. Nothing is sacred – well except for sacred things which MUST NEVER be questioned by ALL Malaysians. M.A.C.C.’s first E.G.M. promises to be a laugh-out-loud affair for the whole family providing that your family is:

-English speaking

-easily amused

-at the show

M.A.C.C.’s first E.G.M. will commence at the PJ Live Arts Centre, Jaya ONE, on the following days:-

Saturday, 17 October @ 9pm

Sunday, 18 October @ 3pm - Matinee

Sunday, 18 October @ 9pm

Saturday, 24 October @ 9pm

Sunday, 25 October @ 3pm - Matinee

Sunday, 25 October @ 9pm

ALL SHOWS AT ONLY RM 33.88

Tickets available at TICKETCHARGE (603) 2241 9999 OR visit www.ticketcharge.com.my

This Performance Is Brought To You By Principal Connection (M) Sdn Bhd

Supported By Young Comedians of Malaysia

He ain't heavy (but) he's my bother...

2009-06-07T14:52:00.006+08:00

If I had to choose, I rather be the only child. But I hope my brother is not thinking the same...

I can only pick out the positives if the family accident didn't happen (my brother).

1) My parents would love me more (because they have no choice)
2) I would still have my Transformers toys and Lego sets in one piece (when you're an elder brother in a Chinese family, there are no personal belongings. Even PCs in an oxymoron)
3) I would've gotten more money from ang pows (oh, before the accident, I was the youngest in family)
4) I don't have to chauffeur, be his personal alarm clock or his mobile ATM

But then again, my brother is a very fun guy. Because he does many things that I can post on the Internet. For instance, my brother is staunch believe in clocking 8 hours of sleep a day. So, whenever time permits, he sleeps, regardless where, how, when or with who. Once, he slept at the backseat, next to my aunty-cousin Kym, who was convinced he was induced with sleeping pills.

Why? Well, here is a visual tour of my brother's siesta fiesta...

Oh well, having siblings is not all bad la I guess...

JUST TOO MUCH!

2009-05-16T00:40:00.002+08:00

This was stuck in my head for quite awhile now. Only until recently, I felt that I finally have the evidence (I think) to back me up (I hope). The topic of the day is - ARE THERE IMPORTANT NEWS THAT OUR MEDIA IS NOT REPORTING?

When the news of Nurin's kidnapped were still prominent on the pages, I realized there were more reports on other kidnappings. When the media grew tired about Nurin (and so did the readers), there was a quite period of zero kidnap reports. Do you realize this? It is almost as if there's a season of kidnappings. A season for rape cases. A season for Ah Long murder cases.

The recent boat accidents and the rempits' manslaughter of pregnant women only further strengthen my claims. These cases seem all too coincidental. Two separate incidents and two potential front page news just two days in between?

Of course, we can argue that, in case of passion and/or hate crimes, perhaps hearing news that relate to one's own dark intentions or plans might increase the urge to do the same. Or perhaps these cases happen everyday but the media only chooses to report it only when there's a potential frontpager. Then the season starts; the less severe or minor but related news are chucked in to gauge readership.

For example, the rempits snatched the life a pregnant women and the next day, another pregnant women suffered the same fate. Coincidence? Elevated urge from hearing related news? Media wants to sell the papers? You decide?

Then again, our papers constantly publish news of incest cases. It seems like these cases happen every single day. And why? Well, if you notice, these news are popular or most read on the media's websites. And yes, it does seem that these cases everyday. On the back of our heads, we want to think that it happens, morbidly speaking. If that is so, would you still believe that the boat accidents and the rempits' rampage somehow, coincidently, happened within such a short period? This cases also seem like it happens everyday and obviously more than it's reported.

Is it the face?

2009-04-29T22:24:00.003+08:00

"Hey, what's that?", I would randomly ask someone, pointing to one's face and, before he or she could digest what was asked, I would then say, "Oh, nothing... it's just your face."

Well, if you can't smell something sarcastic already, then, then you might not think I'm mean and I would think that you're slow. (See, didn't get it again!??) But sometimes, I think it all backfires, you know, being mean, sarcastic and too honest while those feeling hurt are just too sissy. For instance, today.

In my job line as a writer for a plastic surgery magazine, interviewing plastic surgeons is part and parcel. But, that's the fun side of the job; you learn a lot of interesting things along the way and makes you constantly think, "Hey, I can do this for the rest of my life!"

However, its the people I meet in clinics that irks me. They're clients of the doctors. I know this for a fact as they look, well, aesthetically enhanced (at some areas).

First, they'll take a glance at me; this boyish looking chap, sitting there waiting. And they'll turn away. Confused, they'll turn for a second look. This is when we'll make eye contact and in that moment, I can deduce, using my pre-cognitive senses, that, without a doubt, in their mind, they're saying something along the lines of - "Look at him, I would do something too if I look like that."

Man... maybe in the later part of my writing career, I would be able to coax surgeons to gimme a makeover. But until then, I would have to endure those odd glances and uncomfortable stares. I wonder if I'm alone in this, being ugly and over-subservient to pessimistic thoughts every time someone steals a glance...

Signalling a comeback...

2009-04-26T12:08:00.003+08:00

It's been awhile and just like a Manchester United's game against Tottenham over the weekend, any time is a good time for a comeback.

Many things have happened since my absence from the blog - got a job, did more stand-up shows, lost much of my life/spirit, had dengue (again), overnight-ed for the first time in a hospital, etc. But I guess, nothing drains one as much as their job(s).

In my case, it definitely robbed me of my writing mojo (if I ever had). Well, the thing is, I am writer now and well, I write for a very unconventional magazine - Cosmetic Surgery and Beauty magazine

Yea. So with no prior experience in writing (well, if writing comedy scripts count) this is rather 180 degree turnaround. And as the name of magazine says it, having to weave medical babble with some flair in literature sucked whatever creativity I had in me. Hence, I took a sabbatical from blogging with hopes of discovering what I have lost (if any).

On the bright side, I can safely say I moonlight as a (struggling) comedian now. Although I feel that not many approves me as a comedian, I have people like Saiful Apek and Mawi on my side, whom, in spite of their abilities, they're highly regarded. And frankly, its not because they're good at what they do but they have a following.

So I thought, maybe, its a good idea to create a following. Which is why I always translate this into whatever I do to promote YCOM (Young Comedians of Malaysia). And for those who don't know YCOM, well, fundamentally briefly, YCOM is a union/an association/a loose collaboration/a bunch of (in-bitching-rumour-spreading) friends that offer guidance, help, contacts and effort budding local comedians and to build a viable comedy scene in Malaysia.

Due to the various topics our comics touch on, whether its condescending or clean, its always a challenge in Malaysia as, we feel, the audience prefer physical comedy (although I do perform this within the frame of my bed) and they want their comedy, as fellow comedian Faisal said, spoon-fed to them. Popular comedy here in Malaysia is, well, not so popular as many would think. So, how the fuck do we get a viable crowd that adheres the brand of comedy YCOM brings? Well, that's why we need to start a following.

With that aside, I'll just quickly dive into my recent dengue daze. Its the second time I scored a positive for dengue. Which tells me two things; aedes mozzies like me and god hates me (so, here's to you god *shows the finger*). But damn, it took awhile for the dengue disease to unveal itself.

For two whole weeks, I was left figuring out what's wrong with me - on & off high-fever (dengue symptom), no joint pains (not a dengue symptom), full-body rash (dengue symptom but not a dengue rash), dizziness (dengue symptom and also, when you're partially drunk), dwindling platelet count (DEFINITELY dengue!), etc. So, two whole weeks of this shit, two visits to various doctors (both hoping I have joint pains so that they can stick me in the hospital).

Then, on a Sunday afternoon, whilst watching Australian Football, the symptom I've been waiting for broke out... full body rash! So I am off to the hospital, tried to stay alive for around 4 hours before they finally tossed me on a sick bed. From then till Wednesday night, they tested my blood every damn morning. My platelet count in sequence read; Sunday - 113, Monday - 101, Tuesday - 100, Wednesday - 137! So, after enduring 3 sleepless nights, over 6 litres of IV fluid, countless tablets, myriad ugly nurses, I'm off from the hospital.

But (note to self), do not have physical sports within 3-days from getting your blood count normalize coz' DAMN!

So well, I'm back and hope I can this up ... the blog, I mean.

All thought out and no place to show...

2009-01-19T21:05:00.005+08:00

The brain is a wonderful... err, thing. Almost our whole life, we think that we know how our brains work but we don't. At least for me.

At first I thought, "Having a mundane/redundant job would rob me of my precious creative juices (if any) so it'll be great if I can find a job that taps the creative side of me (if there is)."

So I waited. And waited. And waited. And when chance came, I signed up as a writer for a local magazine. The job did tap and demand a bit of creativity but soon, I realized, the magazine owes me my creativity.

I'm thinking a lot more nonsense now. These nonsense pinball in my cranium 24/7 and adrenaline builds up from the friction, fuelling my sleepless nights. It's like I'm going schizo or at least, harbour the traits.

Despite that, I think it's a good idea to chuck these nonsense into cyberspace - the digital fixed deposit for nonsense. Here goes...

Weird product taglines Beastiality: In dog we thrust.

Weird video games Need for speedos

Weird porn video names Clithanger, Womb Raider, In Diana Jones, Meat Joe Black

Crap. Now you know what I think of half the time... better stop here.

THIS BLOG CAN SAVE YOUR LIFE... IF NOT, YOUR MyVi

2009-01-17T01:59:00.007+08:00

This blog will explain why MyVi steering wheel rattles when the brakes are deployed.

A few weeks ago, I sent my MyVi for a routine service - tyre rotation, balancing and alignment. I left my car with my trustee mechanic and headed off for some breakfast nearby. Upon returning to the bengkel, the mechanic greeted me with some ill news. He said he need to change the brake pads of my car. Sensing that CNY is just around the corner, I first thought the mechanic was just ripping me off. And boy was I wrong.

Ignoring me, the mechanic proceeded to remove the break pads and this was what I saw.Do you see it? No? One brake pad is totally worn off to the base while the other still seems OK. The deepness of the gorge at the center of the brake pads show how much steel was unevenly eaten up!

For non-car-geeks just like me, I will try to give my best dummy-proof explanation about the function of brake pads. The brake pad is about as thick/thin as a slice of white bread and about half its size. See picture of the unused brake pad.Each pads is on either side of the brake disc, which is attached to the wheel on the same wheel shaft. Its about the size of a dinner plate (almost as thick as well) and a few times the size of a brake pad. Every wheel on a car has a disc, every disc is has two brake pads on either side.
As you would imagine, when you stomp the brakes, the two brake pads will sandwich the disc, grinding your car to a halt. Obviously, after some time, your break pads will wear off. Pure physics and chemistry.

However, with my MyVi, the outer break pads of my front wheels wore off more significantly than the inner break pads, as you can see in the picture below.Apparently, according to the mechanic, the same thing is happening to his MyVi as well as the MyVis of most of his customers! When I checked with my dad, who used to be a mechanic, he attributed the occurence to a 'design flaw'.

You see, when the two brake pads eat into the disc, it is supposed to do so with equal force. But this is not with the MyVi. And both my old and the mechanic also mentioned that, due to the inequal force, the disc will gradually bend and lose its shape. This explains why your steering wheel rattles when you jam the brakes. The two brake pads are clamping on the uneven brake discs!

And there's a conspiracy behind these occurences as well - Perodua Service Centres will rectify the problem for free! Seems like they knew the problem before us. Care to ask them why the steering rattles the next time to take your car for a service?

So, unlike Perodua, please warn your MyVi-using friends and have some care for the lives of those in your MyVi as well. Feedback, comments and discussions are encouraged...

Pink is the new black is the new pink is the...

2008-12-11T03:22:00.005+08:00

Just before the last corner to my lady's abode, I was forced to shimmy my car past a horde of very young, very boyish and very kampung primary schoolers. I can't help but stare at them and besides wondering what they'll grow up into, I realized those kids wore their eyes out its sockets in admiration of another kid's bicycle. Why? Coz that manual chopper boast a newly painted coat of baby pink. And before I could lower my jaw and switch on my dumbfound-face, two more much senior kids approached the group, each with a cigarette sticking out of their pie holes, each looking really badass-with-the-chains-and-shit and each manoeuvring their own baby pink bicycles. WTFOMFGROFL!

There is something about this neighbourhood that I have yet to understand but at that point, all I can think about is the evolution of the colour pink.

Its a chicken or egg question really. Pink started off as an innocent colour with no representations tagged to it but is it the colour that represents girly-ness or does girly-ness represent pink? I don't when that representation started but it didn't go very well with boys and guy-ish men. Back then, the guy-ish of men would accuse pink wearing males as gay.

That delusion lasted for quite awhile before the men of today started growing the balls to don something pink. The excuse behind this phenomenon sounds something like 'men who are afraid to wear pink are just insecure with the their own sexuality'. This great conversation of mankind spurred burly and stocky men to turn pink from a trend to mainstream fashion. But what's important is that, now, pink represents the colour of the man of men! Man who knows what they are inside and won't flinch over what they wear on the outside.

But somehow, the natural vicissitudes of cultural assimilation, which has something to do with how one defines certain representations, the colour pink somehow ends up on the bicycles of our nation's hopeful 'hopelesses', still representing the size of their male egos.

What the pink!

I hope thongs don't follow the same fate though...

YOGAGAGA!!!

2008-11-24T02:19:00.003+08:00

As a part-time comedian, I can't but laugh after reading Sunday's news headline - YOGA BAN. Although the ban was quite expected since other 'thoughtful' fatwas were passed previously, I find this one slightly overboard. Overboard not because yoga, to me, is quite an innocent practice but it puts a huge question mark on how the religion of Islam is deemed by the clergies in Malaysia.

As one of my friends have pointed out, here in Malaysia we practice a commercialized version of yoga that, to an extent, distance itself from the whole chanting of Hindu mantras "with the aim of being one with God". Honestly, I didn't even know yoga has anything to do with Hinduism (and I bet many who practice it don't know it either or just don't give a shit) but thanks to our 'thoughtful' clergies, now I know.

I won't spill the beans, unlike our fellow fatwans, the fact that, for many years, our Malay Muslim friends have been enjoying a local delicacy called tapai, which is lovely blend rice and the natural-alcohol-producing process called fermentation. On this, allow me to quote from the today's paper - "one part of yoga would lead to another" (The Star) and DANG!, one tea spoon of tapai can lead to a generation of drunken Muslims? Gimme a break!

The article also pointed out that "practising yoga even as a form of exercise as it would ultimately lead to worshipping and chanting, which is against Islam. In Islam, a believer must not do things that can erode one's aqidah or faith." Hmmm. I may not be of any religion but I really do think that, as a believer of Islam, a Muslim should strengthen his or her beliefs from within himself or herself to vindicate themselves against, not only other religious practices and elements, but also against pessimism that a small element of another religion can actually affect a religion of Islam's stature. Whose aqidah eroded I wonder...

Plus, if the practice of yoga does allow its practioners to be 'one with God', a Muslim need not worry since there is only one God so its all one and the same one mah! Choi!

Before I make anymore Muslim enemies, I just like to issue a warning to the pole dancers, tap dancers, shufflers and swingers out there to be wary of the probability of getting haramed!

Robotech: The Movie?!?! THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH!

2008-11-17T16:57:00.004+08:00

OK, movie producers have now crossed the line. First, they gave Optimus Prime puny-pouty mouth. Second, they shot a white boy as Son-Goku. Third, G.I Joe is conforming to the 'coolness' tag - all black uniforms and please... Destro is not Destro without his metallic silver head. Fifth, why the hell are they reprising RoboCop?

And now, they thinking of adapting Robotech in the big screen! ROBOTECH! NO! It's a classic so let's just keep it that way! Robotech used to be our perfect weekend wake up call - every Saturday, 9.30am, TV2. I'm calling out to all 80's baby out there to pray to whatever God or teapot you worship and stop these 80s cartoon carnage we are going through right now!

I hope they don't adapt Voltron. Voltron, please defend yourself. Always remember, you are "VOLTRON, DEFENDER OF THE UNIVERSE" *(sing with me everyone -dee, derd, derd, daaaa, derd, daaaaaaaa, derd, derd, daa, derd, derd, daa')

p/s: In spite of all that is said, adapting M.A.S.K in the big screen would be cool. Wouldn't it?

Road to being almost famous...

2008-11-09T00:33:00.003+08:00

~Maybe its the way I look~ That's what I always think or blame whenever I count my chances of being popular, famous or rather, just being recognized for what I do.

Its crap how most people, namely the double X's, judge others so quickly on face value. In my case, most people seem to perceive, almost naturally, that I am just a wannabe, not talented, underachieving, a tag-along, incapable and what not. Chicks don't dig me (not like I care la) and guys don't take me seriously. A Mr. Nobody.

These are the advantages that I can manipulate through my activities of interest - such as acting, performing, writing and so on, to raise a few eyebrows along the way and eliminating doubts of who/what I actually am or can be.

Take for instance, my debut stand-up skit. With my rather Thai/Cambo/Bugis look, I doubt people would actually take my comedy seriously. So, I developed a character that suits my looks and ultimately, allow people to project their stereotypes towards the character - a Chinaman. I didn't exactly pull the Chinaman role well but I'm doing whatever it takes to make jokes work. Especially if the jokes are from me.

Other than stand-up, there is a particular career that I've always wanted to venture in - acting. Yep. But chances are, this face will not land me a major role unless someone is planning a remake of The Elephant Man or another Trekkie flick on Klingons (pronounced cling-on, explains the way they are as well). Nevertheless, being a Chinese growing up in Malaysia means that I'm diffusely exposed to TVB dramas some point in my life and through the dramas, I find hope in pursuing an acting career here. In TVB dramas, there are the main actors, followed by the supporting actors and the KLFs (keh-leh-feh aka extras).

And just like that same old lady, who played the perpetually crying maid in a post-WWII genre drama, the good hearted citizen in another medieval China drama and the sneaky-mahjong-playing-rumour-spreading aunty in another contemporary drama, one can make a living out of just being a KLF! I hope the industry is like that back here in Malaysia cause I held rather small but significant (Ahem!) role in Kerana Karina 3! I play Marvin, a sound engineer, whose moralistic ideals determine the fate of the main character and ultimately, the flow of the series itself! MUAHAHAHAHA!

Click here, watch the video and try to spot me around minute 2:50. MUAHAHAHAHA!

Fame, here I come!

To sell a gun...

2008-11-03T15:33:00.004+08:00

After watching Iron Man for like 8 times the past few months, the movie got me thinking: HOW DOES ONE ADVERTISE FIREARMS?

OK, I might think and sound like a nerd some times, but frankly, most of the time I'm a geek. Moving on swiftly, the basis of the question came out of watching movies like 'Thank You for Smoking' and 'Lord of War', which underline one issue: HOW DOES ONE SELL GOODS THAT PROMOTE DEATH?

In the TYfS, despite stringent regulations limiting cigarette ads on all media plains, the MODs (Merchant Of Death) are able to negotiate tie-ins with prominent people from various industries and at the end of the day, an inherent message that tells us to smoke is out somewhere, waiting to lure the weak and the healthy. As for LoW, Cage's character depended on revenue from his underground connections, who seem to know so much about guns without the means of attaining information about one. Hmmm.

Then, the Iron Man movie brought up an issue co-relating wars and advertising for firearms. In the scene where Tony Stark presented a new missile 'that you only have to fire once' before launching it at a nearby mountain range, reducing it to a pile dust (without first considering any inhabitants within the proximity. Very American.) , a neurotransmitter in one of my lobes sparked and a question popped up - How does one advertise firearms?

Well, WAR of course!

For instance, the recent Iraq bombardment: news reporters stationed at the outskirts of Baghdad, waiting to capture the impending US attack without a hint of fear who being killed. Why? Maybe its a well planned marketing strategy or guerilla advertising or what not. The spectacle of Baghdad's destruction and the sheer firepower, accuracy and might of the US Army's latest firearms in every news headline around the world seemed too good an advertising and PR initiative for a country that controls 69% of firearms production in the world.

Unfortunately, things turned for the worst in Iraq, dismantling Iraq's status quo under Saddam and the capture of the alleged tyrant wasn't enough bring about peace, as the US assumed. Yet, the apparent war in Iraq dragged on, taking more lives than any tyrant or leader that has ever graced the land formerly known as Babylon. Oh, I forgot, what was the US mission again? Was it to find weapons of mass destruction, to assasinate a tyrant or to find oil? If its not accomplished, did it fail? No wait, I can't say that yet since the US Army is still fighting there even if they have no direction and purpose. OK, then what is the mission NOW?

Previous US war campaigns weren't spelt out in full either. After WWII, firearm production companies were left in a lurch; left-over guns, bombs and bullets piled in heaps waiting to rust. So, the government, unable to re-pay the companies, financed wars instead to establish the US as the 'world's peacekeeper', 'force of democracy' and what not to encourage others to fight for the same cause, thus, creating new customers. Just name me a post-WWII US president without a war in his CV or anything close to a war lah.

The ad campaign theory also explains the reason behind the post-WWII wars and proxy-wars

1) 50's Korean War (wtf for again?)

2) 60's Bay of Pigs (almost a) War (The Cuban Missile Crisis - didn't pull a trigger but sight of US Destroyers parked at the porch of Cuba is a good ad!)

3) 70's Vietnam War (other than the Vietnamese tactics, pre-war research and survey probably lost the war of the US but hey, new product - Napalm bomb!

4) 80's US providing firearms mercenaries in South America

5) 90's The Gulf War (re-use of WWII left-overs and 40 tanks trundling across the desert and kicking-up dust is a cool ad!)

6) 00's War on Terrorism (OK. This is the confusing one since US have surpassed the killings of their alledged terrorists. Right now, the terrorists are just killing to live up to their name.)

7) 06's Lebonese War (Its just a soft way to take out Hezbollah's strong hold that is Lebanon. Everyday kidnappings and hostage situations happen in that part of Middle-East but flattening a country for just two kidnapped Israeli soldiers is a really bad excuse)

Right... now where was I? Dang, I lost my plot. Oh well, I've typed this much already anyway...

A dimming festival of light....

2008-10-29T00:26:00.003+08:00

Recently, I had the opportunity to participate in another (what I would call) Chinese gorging fest. In simpler words, let's just call it buffet.

But this was no ordinary buffet. It is an annual fixture that most Sri Paandi fans are familiar to but for those without a clue, Sri Paandi, a Southern Indian food restaurant, offers free food on every Deepavali morning... something those slant-eyed, keen-nosed and sharp-eyed Chinese would not want to miss in their relentless pursuit of 'priceless' luxuries (fuck off to those who think I don't like Chinese people. I was at Paandi's too!).

Well, as one might've imagined, at a typical buffet, hordes of Chinese would mosh their way towards the first sight and scent of food, much like how the Chinese foot-soldiers would overwhelm their enemies to defend their palaces. At Paandi's, add the word 'free food' into the equation and you'll get utter chaos. Human chains as far as the eye can see (OK, this is pure exaggeration but from where I was sitting, its pretty close to the word). Chains branching from every food dispensing counter; thosai counter, curry counter, beverage counter, and the plate washing station as there were insufficient plates.

Hundreds of hands, mostly yellow-skinned, chucked damp plates at the faces of the Indian waiters (whom are the celebrated ones if one might forget) asking/ requesting/demanding for (more) thosai, roti canai, idli, curry, dhall, tea, coffee with no courtesy of a smile, a simple thank you or a wish of 'Happy Deepavali' in return. Yet some of the Chinese there expected butlering services; complaining about slow waitering when the waiters were outnumbered 20 to 1 and requesting for utensils when they can eat with their hands (since its Deepavali and its an Indian restaurant mah!).

But what pains me most was an elderly Chinese lady, waiting in line not far from where I was. and, when it was her turn to be served, she asked for some thosai, of which, the waiter duly served. But she stood there for a bit, her eyes hovering over the steaming thosai on her plate before looking up at the waiter and asked in thick Chinese accent, 'Huh? This is thosai ah? You give me thosai ar, you sure ar?'.

Sigh. That incident underlines how disconnected some Chinese are with non-Chinese traditions and cultures. It underlines how proud and, to an extent, ethnocentric some local Chinese are. These are the same bunch of Chinese who believe in eating only Chinese, that Chinese restaurants are the cleanest and that other restaurants like the Indian, the Malay, and the 'mamak' restaurants are sub-standard in terms ingredient, quality and cleanliness.

And these are the same bunch of Chinese who choose the worst day to visit a non-Chinese restaurant, when the quality and cleanliness pales in comparison to other days. They would flock to Sri Paandi in groups of families and extended families, willing to squirm their way through crowds of sweaty bodies, using partially washed utensils for some mere meal, which they cannot name, and which, would cost them less than five ringgit.

Man, am I proud of my people or what.

Reposting from Friendster Blog (I know!)

2008-09-24T00:13:00.004+08:00

Chronicles from The Asylum (PART 1)

Sunday, October 22nd, 2006

"Did you get a room in an asylum?", asked my friend when I told him about my flatmates in Australia. Unfortunately for me, what I told was only just the tip of the iceberg. Hence, it is about time (since I’ve written extensively concise about my flatmates to my girlfriend) that I spill my experiences with my flatmates into the oblivious realm of cyberspace.

Of course, with all due respect, their identities will be kept secret and I shall identify them as, plainly, ‘flatmate’, and may I remind you that what is said here is not in proper sequence. Although this might sound egregiously biased and uni-perspective, I swear that all that is said here, is true. Here goes nothing…

Scenario: Flatmate picks up a plastic bowl-like utensil with lots of tiny holes at the bottom.

Flatmate: Errrrm, is this a sieve?

Me: … (trying to hold back sarcastic remarks)

Chronicles from The Asylum (PART 2)

Monday, October 23rd, 2006

Bloody hell! The amount of times my new flatmates ask me where certain household items are kept is insurmountable. I mean, find it yourself first, then ask! This house we live in is bloody small and the places we keep stuff are limited, let alone obvious! Here are some of my ‘real’ (a subjective concept) accounts…

Episode 1
Flatmate: Erm, has anyone seen my plate?
Me: Find it!
Flatmate: Okay.....

Episode 2
Flatmate: Erm, where is my cup?
Me: Ask the dishwasher…
Flatmate: Okay.....

Episode 3
Flatmate: Where is the drawer that you guys put the plastic bags?
Me: Is there a drawer that you haven’t open?
Flatmate: You mean this one? (opens it)…Oh.
Me: TADAAAAA!

Episode 4
Flatmate: Erm, what should I wipe this up with?
Me: Something that sucks up liquid…

More to come, stay tuned!

Hypocrites, stereotypes dan ...

2008-09-11T02:59:00.009+08:00

The days following this Ahmad dude’s audacious remarks in which he branded the Malaysian Chinese community as ‘penumpangs’ (passengers), many has come forth to express their displeasure and called the ISA to take its course.

What an audacious bunch of hypocrites!

These are the very same ones that, on a normal day, would pounce on every chance to bring down the unbounded will of the ISA. And now, when something like this happens (not forgetting that, once again, a political figure or opinion leader is the one RESPONSIBLE for fanning racial flames), these hypocrites turn to the minority’s public enemy number one.

If the people of this country want to put an end to this nerve-racking long-running national issue, why can’t they discuss it out in the open? For years, Malaysians have suffered the stain and a nameless fear resonated by the events of 1969, and now, with less than 12 years to ‘Wawasan 2020’, it is a joke that Malaysia and her people haven’t the maturity and the willingness to bury this infamous past as one nation.

We should be discussing each other’s stereotypes and incite strong conversations about the ‘penumpangs’, ‘pemabuks’ and ‘pemalas’ of this country. Let it be a test of maturity for Malaysia and her people, a dare to go to the brink of when one faction lends the first punch and think ‘Do I really want to behave like my immature and racially fuelled forefathers?’

Perhaps it’s due to the stereotyping mentality of Malaysians; imposing and subjecting our own thoughts about other races. I mean, what does the words ‘penumpang’, ‘pemabuk’ and ‘pemalas’ mean without hooking a specific race to it. I merely mentioned those 3 words to prove that we are all racist and I am quite sure that any who reads this would have hooked a specific race on those words. I would have to as well.

Being stereotypical about other races is quite natural. However, Malaysia has come along way and racial tolerance among her people must be test or probed before acceptance can materialize.

Sigh. I remember way back in school I used to shout ‘Oi Melayu!’ and my Malay mate would respond with an ‘Oi Cina!’ After that we would curse about each others race and have a good laugh about it. My point is, I feel that our generation don’t give a fuck about racial differences, let alone incite racial tension. It is our political figures and opinion leaders who keep reminding us all that we have to be careful of what we say or do with regards to race. Indirectly, isn’t this inciting racial tension?

Well, based on Malaysian history, we Chinese are a bit of a ‘penumpang’, but we did our part in giving directions to the ‘pemandu’. But I think foreign conglomerates like the McDonalds and the Nikes, are the real ‘penumpangs’; killing off small local businesses and enterprises as well as hogging our shop lots. Unless this pervasive phenomenon is in-line with our political figures’ and opinion leaders’ stereotype on progress.

*Apologies for any grammatical errors. No time to read through...*

New surroundings...

2008-08-27T22:49:00.004+08:00

It's been a month now since I moved in my grandmother's place and sharing this double-story abode with my grandmother, blood-brother and 2 of my 50-odd year old virgin uncles. Right now, my journey to my workplace takes like 5 minutes... an added bonus to that puny 15-sen fuel price reduction.

There was quite a bit of re-arrangement to do but in the end, I settled with one that is quite similar to my old hostel room back in Berwick, VIC: bed next to the door and light switch, reading desk beside bed and a wardrobe tucked against the empty wall.

I kinda like my wardrobe though. It's one of those old school, rice-sack-cloth-over-flimsy-metal-frame wardrobes that I got from Giant to give my new room that added asrama feel. It kinda reminds me of Mat Som, an old Malay comic from Lat about a struggling journalist hoping to make it big. In the comic, Mat Som, the hero, adjusts the same wardrobe every morning to keep it from tilting and now, I know why. So yeah, Mat Som's pretty close to what I am now. The only difference is that I struggle to service journalists. Oh, I'm a PR consultant, by the way.

There are some new additions to my room now. The PS2 plugged in to this old unwanted telly and a 'new' old acoustic guitar dropped off by my god-brother. These comfort toys are the ideal chill-out companions for every guy living alone... in his room.

Well, that's about it. A rather brief sneak peek of my new surroundings. Somehow, I don't feel like its a guys' room though. That credit goes to my brother's room next door.Plus, I had to brave through his 'manly' fumes just to capture some visual proof for you readers (if any).

Cool huh? Its like Hurricane Katrina all over again. My brother's room ought to be the hardest 'Where's Wally' puzzle ever!

Anwar's triumph: Is democracy fair?

2008-08-26T23:04:00.004+08:00

With a majority of 15K odd votes, the people of Permatang Pauh welcomed back their favourite son - Anwar Ibrahim. But with the man's name on everyone's lips, both locally and globally, did democracy run its course in this famous win?

Democracy; born out of a Western systemization of human policing and governing, is deemed to be fair to all. If that is so, what would the 'losers' get?

And because the fairness in democracy is achieve through the sum of ballots, would secondary elements like fame and stardom influence its outcome. Anwar Ibrahim is a star in Malaysian politics. Care to spell out the other 2 flers eyeing for the same seat? You can't? So on the ballet, whose name would you rather place a cross next to? Well, there you go; Anwar 1-0 unknowns.

Well, since he is always in and out of the limelight, and we know him by his first name, and voting is basically a cross on a piece of paper, might as well give him a chance, right? What is there to lose, we've been cheated for the past 50 years!

A gifted and an irate speaker, Anwar's forte is definitely constructing sentences that not only make sense to the lowest common denominator, but also make their heads nod in acknowledgement. Many past leaders bare such traits and won their respective elections hands down, Hitler included. With his expertise in sense-making, complex political subjects become simple and easy to understand like the petrol issue. Is Anwar going to turn Penang into a national guinea pig by lowering the fuel prices in the island? Can he do that? Why not? In his speech, its really that simple. Why? Is it complicated now?

By right, I should be congratulating the man, and I will. I congratulate him in his mastery in pop-politics. With all his appearance and mentions in a worldly stage during as well as after the 1998 incident, he knew with such prominence and popularity, votes will swing his way like gravity. No longer are social figures judged by his or her social efforts and the outcomes of these efforts. What has he done to prove himself? Where is his political footprint? Is he really, like really really that good? If Che Det didn't accused him or lock him up for his past doings, who is Anwar Ibrahim today? With his past still unproven, the man has served time and now, the people think he is ready to serve. Well, I guess the man has waited for his chance to arrive and it did. Play it small but frequent like Suu-Kyi, patiently enduring like Gandhi, and pounce on the right opportunity like every man would.

Time will tell and time will prove. Time... is in Anwar Ibrahim's hand.

A note of thank you...

2008-08-23T23:49:00.004+08:00

This is a thank you note to Malaysia's most well known serviceman, who took the guise of Sultan Alauddin, braved through the hordes of pitiful and perspiring commuters, waited forcefully but patiently like the people around, boarded several packed trams and created a spectacle of concern for all to see.

Yes, for once, several police escorts were assigned to more crucial duties and our congested roads saw one less VIP convoy worming and blaring through traffic. The coverage by the media on this 'surprise' lawatan sambil belajar by our fellow serviceman seemed somewhat rehearsed, though.

Then again, the plight of our fellow Malaysians was seen through the eyes of one who has power to set things in progressive motion, and not by any of his minions. For almost a decade, our local commuters have waited and hoped for such a day to arrive - so that their daily tangle with unruly public transport users, filthy tram benches, ear-shattering screeches, bacteria-ridden railings and handles can be shared by one who seemed vindicated from the sufferings of common Malaysians.

With his well planned public appearance, millions of Malaysian will harbour the thought that something IS being done, overlooking tangible results. However, since we've waited many years for such a day to arrive, we might as well wait a few more years before such results can be enjoyed. And hopefully, these results will materialize within the reign of our fellow serviceman. Pray that his days won't stretch longer than his predecessor's.

Where have all the good food gone?

2008-08-14T23:01:00.004+08:00

He he, the title is slightly inspired by that famous Paula "hairy armpits at the Grammy's" Cole song. But the case in question remains - Blardy hiaoo, wear ken I faing good food! (Chinese accent intended)

Plus, must be cheap lah. The past 2 days, I had to live through the torment of paying above RM7 for a bowl of bland kuey teow soup each day.

The first day, pouncing upon the opportunity to have dinner with my parents (thus, getting them to pay as well), my partner-in-crime brother and I managed to convince them to try out newly opened Pappa Rich restaurant at Dataran 3 Dua (the place that is not the old Jaya Supermarket, Jaya 33 or Jaya One).

Unlike a pair of slippers, they succeeded in living up to its name - Fuct man, rm7.60 for a bowl of kuey teow soup! Actually it should be soup kuey teow because the kuey teow is in the soup, not just a bowl of soup. But then again, if I can argue that way, Chinese New Year should be New Chinese Year right?... Anywayyyy. Not only that, we found bits of 'something' floating about in our ais kosong. We lodged a complaint and the waiter changed our ais kosongs when they should be changing they filter system instead.

Pappa Rich's definition of a bowl of kuey teow:

- a jumble/grab/pull of Chinese yellow noodles
(not the better kind - its the one that sticks together if its not properly cooked and has a tinged of boric acid aftertaste. )

- 2 above average size fish paste cakes
(I don't know why the Chinese still call it fish paste cake but really, its a lot of flour with something fishy)

- 2 foo chuks
(Its bean curd skin lah. Normally when you over boil soya milk, that emulsion formed on top is carefully separated out and dried to get foo chuk so c'mon, its not the most expensive thing on the planet! Chee cheong fun hawkers rob us 60 sens for each slab of these but Pappa 'Rich' offers only a quarter of the size!)

- some tauge
(these things grow out of the singlet I forgot to put into wash last week lah!)

- soup
(this was not bad actually. The taste brought back memories of Gopeng, my parents' kampung, and how much I miss a good bowl of kuey teow soup.)

AARGHGH! I'm tired of writing already! Still haven't get past this 1st bowl! Part 2 coming up but don't know when... (why worry when no one is reading. hehehe.)

Profile VS Education: Which will get you a job?

2008-08-12T23:13:00.004+08:00

I was supposed to play futsal but somehow the organizer got sucked in by the lure of the 'King of Fruits'.

Right now, I'm left with this blog after gorging myself with my after-work necessities: dinner, meeting my girlfriend, rest, a bit of wrestling and the Olympics. I didn't really think I had a topic in mind but there's something bugging me and it sounds like this - Profile or Education: Which will get you a job?

Well, I have a general interest in writing and content creation. Recently, I used my academic certs to great effect by securing a job at a PR firm. (OK, maybe secure is not a right word at the moment.) After a month, I'm beginning to feel that PR is not my mug of beer and the human element behind the job is pretty taxing for a non-people-person guy like me. Day after day, I feel that my creative juices are drying up with the limited avenues, normally marred by the fact that there only 24 hours in a day, after accepting this 9-to-6 job. But with credentials in Mass Communications/Int'l Studies, where else can I go?

I could fall back on my profile that 'boasts' a handful of college plays that I've acted in & directed, a few 'TV Pendidikan' series I was involved in, around 18 short videos I wrote, acted in and directed for www.gua.com.my (Media Prima's New Media wing) as well as a full-length movie I acted in. Of course there is always the question, "So you have these in your profile... but how good are your stuff?"

Hmmm, I think that question can be easily answered with an academic cert of the specific fields but I always believe that life can be changed if one has the right connections looking over their shoulder. BUUUUUUT, if you're not that of a people-person, you'll probably be over looked.

That's it, I'M FUCTED! Or am I?

First entry!

2008-08-11T09:28:00.000+08:00

HELLO AND WELCOME!

Thanks to boredom and a severely sore throat, I have brought upon myself yet another commitment - THIS BLOG!

Well, not to sure of what to include or specify in this blog other than it being an avenue to pe... I mean... err... type out my thoughts? Type_out_my_thoughts? Can I still use 'pen my thoughts' without actually using a pen? Why can't idioms update itself? Why can't language be constantly evolving to fit the trends of our time? What's wrong with creating new languages? Isn't language just a construction! Why can't I stop questioning!

So yeah... err, this is just an avenue to err... to pen my thought through typing... no wait. To... type the thoughts I pen?

ARGH!

I think type out my thoughts is better lah. Yeah, its better.

Although sometimes I will copy and paste from my previous blog.