Unused material

Hmm. Since nobody reads this blog, I thought it'll be a wise junkyard for my unused jokes.

These jokes are, either, unused by people I write jokes for or unused due to timeliness.

So, for a start, here are some jokes I wrote for an emcee, who was doing the '100 millionth passenger party' for AirAsia and didn't use any of it. Here are the raw jokes, as copied and pasted from the MS Word file.


Jokes for AirAsia show 13/10/10

1. PILOTS

All the pilots say, WOO! All the co-pilots say, WOO! Now, all the auto-pilots says, WOO! What? You all invited so little auto-pilots? The one who does ALL the flying?!!

2. And if all of you are here, who is flying the planes? (by Matt Ho)

3. 100 million

Congratulations on your 100 millionth passenger. 100 million. In India, that’s nothing. A 100 million people is like my village. Or like my family. On my father’s side.

4. PROUD OF INDIANS

Very proud of you Indians in Malaysia. You Indians have taken everything. Outer space is taken by Ananda Krishna - Astro. On the ground, all the highways are taken by Samy Vellu. Right in middle, is Tony Fernandez.

5. RICHARD BRANSON

All the best to Tony Fernandez, I think Tony is going to beat Richard Branson in the betting game. And we are going to see Richard Branson in women’s clothing. But we all know there’s nothing Virgin about that.(by Jenhan)

6. LOOSE STEWARDESS

Thank you AirAsia for flying me down. I must say, your cabin is a bit tight but lucky your stewardesses a bit loose.

But the problem is, you girls charge for everything. By the time you take off the belt, we’re out of money.

INDIAN BARGAIN
As an Indian on an AirAsia, the flights are always shorter ... because I can’t stop bargaining. “10 ringgit for a plate of Nasi Lemak? Are you kidding me? With 10 ringgit, Tony Fernandez can buy 10 AirAsia companies!

8. MAS PORN

Personally, I don’t like really MAS Airlines. Especially, their uniform. Reminds me of a porn video I watched a long time ago.

9. ILLEGAL TAXI

For all of you who are drunk and cannot drive, don’t worry outside got a lot of illegal taxis waiting to take you home.

10. POEM

Roses are red, violets are blue, if you are getting lucky, there’s Tune Hotel for you!

I just tell jokes...

Today, someone said I look like the 'comedian' type. That I seem detached from the world and yet, have the uncanny ability to absorb every detail around me. I gathered the person is a bit psycho but I responded to the comments with my much-practised "really ah?"


The fact is, I've never set out to be a comedian (please read Back Story 1*). I just tell jokes. It's only when one is making a living out of telling jokes that makes one a comedian. Mine is just a hobby. A paid hobby.

The funny thing is, I received that comment just before my play rehearsal (please read Back Story 2*) and acting, however, feels right for me. It has always been. Sometimes, I like to think that I'm acting on stage, where I play a character that resembles a (supposed) funny version of me. Sadly, I always ended playing the struggling comedian role. I think it'll be ultra ironic if, one day, I play an unfunny comedian in a play. Hmm.

But by the looks of things, comedy pays well whereas acting, well, let's just say I'm a face transplant away from making it.

Back Story 1*
Back in 2003, I co-found a comedy group called The ComeBackKings and ever since, my work has been trying to churn out material for the group. I only started walking the path on my own in 2008, at the call of a few friends, to do stand-up comedy. Well, my stand-up comedy debut wasn't really a stand-up performance for me as I've always seen it as a "light hearted monologue".

It went (sorda) well that night and it felt good, so I started doing more. But then, I got carried away by the comedy wave and before I knew it, I was in YCOM, doing Time Out KL Comedy Thursday, performed for Comedy Club KL, opened for Harith and the MACC (the less funny one). So comedy, for me, feels more like work and not as enjoyable as acting.

Back Story 2*
I'm doing Short and Sweet, Week 1.

Life's like this ...

I'm resigned to believe that I'll never find the time to update this blog since getting this/these new job(s) but heck! I might as well put some info up while I'm here.

I now work as a full-time freelancer (yes, that is my OFFICIAL title according to my latest contract) for FHM, where I'm in full charge of the Upgrade section, FourFourTwo magazine, where I mostly do sub-editing, editing and occasionally, some writing.

On the side, I'm promoting two shows: my latest comedy show, alongside Douglas Lim and Kuah Jenhan, called MACC: Internal Affairs and my first full-length feature movie as part of the main cast. The former opens from 24th to 28th August while the latter, will hit cinemas from 30th September in GSC Pavilion, GSC Mid Valley and GSC One Utama (New Wing).

Exciting? Well, all I can see is the amount of work ahead of me. In between, I have other comedy shows (and comedians) to think about, 4 more contracted guerilla-comedy shows I must honour, and figure out how to get more money to fuel the renovation of my new house. Yes, a NEW house.

Will be moving in soon with my wifey soon but only after the dust from the renovations had settled. The estimation of the renovations add up to about RM30, 000 so do expect some red paint graffiti on my front door.

And to top it all up, I'm actually writing this because it need to vent, before I attempt to write an article about Liverpool's past glories. Nice.

Another day, another earthquake ...

Fortunately, this is the only earthquake I've ever experienced. "touch wood"

Earlier today, a 5.2 magnitude earthquake hit the southern part of Australia. In China, the government announced a national day of morning for the 2000-odd that lost their lives when a quake flattened the county of Yushu just a few days ago. The papers capitalised on the news, as always. But this year, there seems to be a new earthquake almost every other day.

Are we experiencing more earthquakes than usual? According to Wikipedia, "There are around 500,000 earthquakes each year. 100,000 of these can actually be felt." - Felt but not reported. If there are so many earthquakes, which one gets reported? If there are so many earthquakes, why can't there be 5 new news on earthquakes in one day? So why does it seem like there's more earthquakes than usual, especially this year?

My theory is, the world media is riding on our growing-anxiety about what's going to happen in 2012 (You know, the whole 'end of the world' crap). Why? Coz these stories sell papers. I think.

Medan Selera (Arena of Appetite?)

Not the best lontong in the Medan Selera but reaping the benefits as the better one was closed.

3 TIMES, I TELL YOU, 3 BLARDY TIMES!

3 times I tried flicking this baby roach away and it comes scurrying back towards my plate of lontong. It is MY lontong and I will defend it like MY Transformers collection! (OK, I only have one Transformers but it's a start.)

As a wind up my finger for my next flick, I saw a bunch of uniformed men from the Municipal Council making their way in. As they scanned around the Medan Selera, I scanned each of their faces and like everyday other Malaysian, I had this innate feeling that some poor warung might be closed down. I can even imaging some poor makcik wailing and emptying her nose into her tudung.

Instead the men sat down next to my table and started ordering food. Then it hit me, of course they're not going to close down any of the warungs in Medan Selera @ Section 14 market. Not because all the warungs are owned by Malays, it's simply because, well ... if they close these roach infested warungs, where else would these uniformed men and their colleagues eat? Also explains why more pricey makan places like Murni and Paandi's get closed down or get away with a warning (respectively).

As I slurped down the sip of kuah lontong, I spotted the little baby roach again. This time, under one of the uniformed men's thumb. Squished. Into kuah lontong.

Well, at least these men were doing their job.

It been awhile...

Since my last entry, I've been thinking about what to do with this blog.

Should I carry on.

Should I not?

Facebook and Twitter are becoming favourable domains of short-blogs.

Blogs can make you money.

Blogs have unlimited character spaces.

... and that's good enough for me =)

MACC (Malaysian Association of Chinese Comedians) 1st Easy Going Meeting

Douglas Lim had a dream. A dream to bring laughter to the world. A dream to spread joy across the land. Unfortunately, fate conspired against him. He was born Chinese and was not eligible for Raja Lawak.

But Douglas Lim never gave up. Convinced that the Chinese can be funny, he scoured the country for like-minded (and like-coloured) people. He searched high and low, far and wide and upside down. After 3 years, the search has ended. For behold, he is tired AND he has found 2 other jokers.

Together they are M.A.C.C. – the Malaysian Association of Chinese Comedians and this is their first E.G.M. (Easy Going Meeting). On the agenda are funny observations, song parodies, impersonations and witty revelations from the founding members of M.A.C.C – Douglas Lim, Jenhan and Chi Ho.

No stone is left unturned. Nothing is sacred – well except for sacred things which MUST NEVER be questioned by ALL Malaysians. M.A.C.C.’s first E.G.M. promises to be a laugh-out-loud affair for the whole family providing that your family is:

-English speaking

-easily amused

-at the show

M.A.C.C.’s first E.G.M. will commence at the PJ Live Arts Centre, Jaya ONE, on the following days:-

Saturday, 17 October @ 9pm

Sunday, 18 October @ 3pm - Matinee

Sunday, 18 October @ 9pm

Saturday, 24 October @ 9pm

Sunday, 25 October @ 3pm - Matinee

Sunday, 25 October @ 9pm

ALL SHOWS AT ONLY RM 33.88

Tickets available at TICKETCHARGE (603) 2241 9999 OR visit www.ticketcharge.com.my

This Performance Is Brought To You By Principal Connection (M) Sdn Bhd

Supported By Young Comedians of Malaysia

He ain't heavy (but) he's my bother...

If I had to choose, I rather be the only child. But I hope my brother is not thinking the same...

I can only pick out the positives if the family accident didn't happen (my brother).

1) My parents would love me more (because they have no choice)
2) I would still have my Transformers toys and Lego sets in one piece (when you're an elder brother in a Chinese family, there are no personal belongings. Even PCs in an oxymoron)
3) I would've gotten more money from ang pows (oh, before the accident, I was the youngest in family)
4) I don't have to chauffeur, be his personal alarm clock or his mobile ATM

But then again, my brother is a very fun guy. Because he does many things that I can post on the Internet. For instance, my brother is staunch believe in clocking 8 hours of sleep a day. So, whenever time permits, he sleeps, regardless where, how, when or with who. Once, he slept at the backseat, next to my aunty-cousin Kym, who was convinced he was induced with sleeping pills.

Why? Well, here is a visual tour of my brother's siesta fiesta...

Oh well, having siblings is not all bad la I guess...

JUST TOO MUCH!

This was stuck in my head for quite awhile now. Only until recently, I felt that I finally have the evidence (I think) to back me up (I hope). The topic of the day is - ARE THERE IMPORTANT NEWS THAT OUR MEDIA IS NOT REPORTING?

When the news of Nurin's kidnapped were still prominent on the pages, I realized there were more reports on other kidnappings. When the media grew tired about Nurin (and so did the readers), there was a quite period of zero kidnap reports. Do you realize this? It is almost as if there's a season of kidnappings. A season for rape cases. A season for Ah Long murder cases.

The recent boat accidents and the rempits' manslaughter of pregnant women only further strengthen my claims. These cases seem all too coincidental. Two separate incidents and two potential front page news just two days in between?

Of course, we can argue that, in case of passion and/or hate crimes, perhaps hearing news that relate to one's own dark intentions or plans might increase the urge to do the same. Or perhaps these cases happen everyday but the media only chooses to report it only when there's a potential frontpager. Then the season starts; the less severe or minor but related news are chucked in to gauge readership.

For example, the rempits snatched the life a pregnant women and the next day, another pregnant women suffered the same fate. Coincidence? Elevated urge from hearing related news? Media wants to sell the papers? You decide?

Then again, our papers constantly publish news of incest cases. It seems like these cases happen every single day. And why? Well, if you notice, these news are popular or most read on the media's websites. And yes, it does seem that these cases everyday. On the back of our heads, we want to think that it happens, morbidly speaking. If that is so, would you still believe that the boat accidents and the rempits' rampage somehow, coincidently, happened within such a short period? This cases also seem like it happens everyday and obviously more than it's reported.