1st blog of 2012: Retiring jokes
Jokes are like porn videos. They're not as good as the first time you were exposed to it. - me, 2011
Some comedians, like me, retire jokes. Why? Because the jokes have gone stale. Because certain topics - current affairs topics, are not current anymore. Because the jokes do not evoke as much emotion from the audience as before. So, every year, I retire a few jokes and these jokes are mainly not evergreen topics. Topics like:
Joke 1: Malaysian football:
[Wear Malaysian national football team jersey 2010]
You must be wondering why I'm wearing this jersey. It's because it's my most favourite Malaysian jersey. Not because Malaysia won something, it's because this is the most Malaysian of ALL Malaysian jerseys. Look at it -- like some bloody rempit ran over me like that. So Malaysian.
We wore it when we won the Suzuki Cup. The Suzuki Cup. [Do riding motorbike gesture] So Malaysian.
Maybe the players think they can really win motorbike. [Reenact scene]
When we won, we got a public holiday. I didn’t know the Suzuki Cup so important! We didn’t get a holiday when our squash player become number 1, badminton player become number 1. Not one holiday. Half-day also don’t have.
Imagine if we win the World Cup -- whole week holiday! If we ever qualify -- 1 month holiday.
Remember the final when we beat Indonesia 3-0 at Bukit Jalil. Create such a bad PR towards the Indonesians - they send their football team here, we beat beat them. Send their badminton players here, we beat them. [Under breath] Send their maids, also we beat them. This is bad.
And in that match, some smart Malaysians who brought their laser and shot lasers at the Indonesian goalkeeper, trying to blind him. When Indonesia lost, ALL the Indonesians got angry. But why, Indonesians? [WAIT, ARE THERE ANY INDONESIANS HERE? Don’ have right? I know 'cause got no lasers on me.]
So, why you so angry? We just blind your goalkeeper, ONE goalkeeper, all Indonesians get angry. Every year, you send your haze and blind ALL of us, we also not angry!
Joke 2: Sissy Camp
Heard of the camp in Terengganu for effeminate boys. Effeminate boys means those boys who are very sissy, very girly - I don't [insert victim] told me. [*point at one corner* YOU SEE THAT! Ah, those boys in the crowd who turn their head very fast are most likely effeminate boys, and they are probably folding their arms now. While pouting.]
You see, this camp has 66 boys with effeminate tendencies, who religious teachers claim that they might become full-blown transvestites, cross-dressers or Aznil, if they are given masculine behaviour training.
Masculine behaviour training? What IS masculine behaviour training? Their timetable is how? 2pm: wake up with a hangover. 3pm: get out of bed and have a cigarette for breakfast. 3.10: Check Facebook and Twitter. 5pm: Play DOTA, Left For Dead or Skyrim. Midnight: Sleepy, so check 9Gag first. 1am: Feeling horny so look for porn. 1.05am: clean keyboard with tissue.
WHAT THE HECK IS MASCULINE BEHAVIOUR?
And is this camp suppose to scare effeminate boys? What happens when you tell an effeminate boy that he's going to a camp with other effeminate boys? [Act out: "OMIGOD! I'M LIKE SO GOING THERE! WE'RE GONNA WATCH GLEE, HAVE PILLOW FIGHTS..."]
Effeminate boys in a camp? Haven't they watched Brokeback Mountain? Two boys is enough and they now have 66 boys. Even number some more. And don't think the number 66 look like 2 people spooning?
What's scary to me is, this camp is going after all the effeminate boys in Malaysia. I can't imagine who Malaysia will be without effeminate boys? Who is going to host Akedemi Fantasia? Who's going to teach us how to cook? WHO ARE WE GOING TO SEND TO OUTER SPACE?!
More jokes to follow this path, I'm afraid. Gotta do more evergreen topics.