#3 Comedy in Malaysia today: Same old, same old

"Hey Chi Ho! I was at your show lah last night. Eh, why you tell all your old jokes wan? Cannot make new jokes wan meh?"

"Eh hi! Thanks for coming to my show. By the way, which is your favourite Linkin Park song?"

"Numb lo!"

"Farker, dang old song, right? Ask them to write new song lah. You treat me the very double standard wei."

Yes, we all have double standards when it comes to the treatment of comedians - forcing us to listen to your jokes that we've already heard many times over, not will to date us, among other maltreatment. Most of this negativity is directed to our jokes. Like a good friend once said, "If you go to U2's concert, you want to hear their old songs. Why can't people just listen to (comedians') old jokes?"

Well, perhaps jokes are different from songs. You get a totally different feeling of exhilaration when you hear a joke, as compared to a song. When was the last time you laughed at a chorus and jizzed in your pants. The thrill-factor is much higher in jokes too, hence the exhilaration, though brief, deserts us much more quickly. Like cum.

Speaking of cum, jokes are much like porn movies. Come on, watching the same old porn clip does not work without some extra help from your personal wank-box. I'm talking about your imagination. If a new porn movie takes you to places for the first time, it'll take you there for several more stops before it gets you nowhere, and that new porn movie eventually becomes old. Much like a joke.

Some comedians may write jokes every day, but only some jokes can work on an every day. Though there's a funny side to everything, there are many things to consider when it comes to the formulation of jokes. For instance, should a comedian joke about what happened to Japan? I did but I'm not telling that joke. Why? One man's joke is another man's poison and another woman's perplexity.

I think this assumption that comedians have an arsenal of new material every 24 hours stems from our exposure to comedy, be it from books or the Internet. There are tonnes of jokes, funnies or gags out there, but just because we only like (or know) one (or a handful of) comedians, we assume that that either the hero or the heroine comedian is ever-oozing with new material. It does seem like that in books and the Internet, but have ever you questioned what goes on behind the lives of those few comedians?

They have writers. Lots of them. They have comedy tours. Lots of them. And they don't return to their same spot for almost a year, which gives them time to cook up new funnies. Oh, and for the last 'them', I meant the writers. Of course. So, the next time you hear from this same comedian, "Hey! The dude's got new stuff! Let's download it! How the hell did he came up with shit like this?"

Here in Malaysia. What bloody 'comedy tour' do local comics have? We might travel up north, down south or to some place called Borneo but we're back in the same shit hole (comedy venue) after a month. And within that time, I would say the comics would only have coughed out 5 minutes of new material, depending on how many local scandals unfold within that month and depending on whether they write material or not (Yeah, plagiarism is rampant here.)

Over here, audiences are more used to the anecdotal form of jokes. A long story, followed by a twist then a punchline. Normally, jokes on sex and relationships work best. Somehow, this ritual of telling jokes limits the playing field of local comedians, forcing them through a single chute and in turn, drawing the audience with them. The method and topics become exhaustive and the audience get bored. Another reason to ask for new jokes, I suppose.

But perhaps, we should look into the readiness of our audiences at receiving 'new' jokes. I used to tell one-liners but somehow, I feel that, as a local, you're not allowed to sound smarter than you look. But when some white guy does the same, he's automatically brilliant. At least it explains why we don't look highly at our leaders. Seems to me that we're restricted to our own stereotypes - Chinese guys have small dicks, Malay girls are easy and Indians are just plain problematic.So, how can new jokes creep up from this endless and constrained cycle of rhetoric?

So, before you open that pie hole of yours and complain about local comedians repeat their old material, perhaps one should ask oneself first, "Am I ready for new jokes?" At the end of the day, when a new sex position does not work, don't we all return to a more familiar position to get the job done? Then, aren't we all okay with the same old, same old? So, really, there's double standards on how we treat comedians and jokes.

Damn. I could have written some new material by now.

Smartag? LIke seriously?

Bought my first and very own Smartag not too long ago. Of course, like most (if not all) new Smartag users, we've learned that this contraption, although it provides a more convenient way to leech out our pennies to the myriad thugs (sorry) tolls on our roads, it also provides a cause for concern. While the Smartag is a vice to our bank accounts, it beefs up the bank accounts of the many agents of vices, namely burglars.

You see, my dad got his car window bashed into (on a night he forgot to lock his car) and his Smartag stolen. Having gotten used to it, he unthinkingly bought another. Now, he has to constantly remind himself to keep the thing hidden from burglars but most of the time, the thing keeps itself 'hidden' from him, seconds before he hit the toll barrier.

But I've seen these 'Smartags' before in Australia. It's a much smaller contraption, permanently etched onto the top of car windscreens, hidden away from opportunistic eyes. So why can't we have that here? It was then I realized, that our very own 'Smartag' might fall on a different marketing plan. Allow me to interest you in my assumed findings.

The (mock) Smartag business plan

Subject: Smartag
Marketed Purpose: To be of convenience to unfortunate motorists who use motorways with tolls
Real Purpose: To maximize on profits

Smartag design
Marketed Design: Sleek, futuristic and convenient
Real Purpose of Design: Absolutely clumsy looking and huge so that motorists will find it hard placing it in their vehicle, hence, burglars will be able to easily spot it and hopefully, steal it. Then, the burglary victims will be forced to buy a new Smartag, thus, complying to our Real Purpose: To maximize on profits.

If these victims attempt to hide their Smartags, they will soon realize that the Smartag is not friendly to most door pockets, seat pockets and other storage compartments of their vehicle. Placing the Smartag in glove compartments is not encourage because motorists are forced to look for it when they are approaching tolls. Also, the sleek design of Smartag has no rubber or non-slip panels, which stops the effects of sliding.

So, in order to reinforce the initial Real Purpose, a holder is provided (FOR FREE) and instructions is provided to place the contraption in the most obvious location; on the windscreen. With that, this method will, again, further reinforce the statements made in the first paragraph of Real Purpose of Design.

Safety concerns (classified): Due to various reports, the bulky, heavy and detached Smartags may have caused injuries to motorists during road accidents as debris or blunt trauma hazards, upon impact. However, without sufficient proof of this, even though the possibility of such cases occurring is high, the makers of Smartags have decided to forego this safety issue, in line with the nation's most used motto by services providers - if there's nothings wrong, don't fix it even though you know that something is going to go wrong.

---end---

Had to write. Just had to.

Holy hell! I left 10 months out of my self-review of 2010. Oh well, it's 2011 and the year presents new aspirations, hopes and challenges.

I ended my 2010 having done to many things (mostly for people), made too many promises (except for myself) and helped too many people (who didn't help me in return). So, I'm going to be a little bit stingy this year and help myself more.

With this blog, I think I'll change it's feel a bit and chuck in more jokes. Hopefully, it'll somewhat authenticate the stuff that I did. I always wanted to do a different style of comedy but the anecdotal style of our comedy made it hard for me to break out and also, restrict my comedy in the similar style.

I believe that the three steps to constructing a joke - the setup, the twist and the punch line (the basic formula of joke formation) - can be delivered in just one sentence.

Don't really dig this whole 'joke formula' equation? Here's an example:

'Yo mama so stupid (setup), when she threw a rock on the ground (twist/situation), she missed (punch line)'

Simple right? But the idea of reducing this formula into a sentence or just a combination of a few words, the comedian has to 'incept' one of the three step into the audience's mind, which, eventually, presents the problem of why I was told such jokes won't work - audiences here are not matured comedy audiences.

Say all you want, but most members of the audience need to be fed with punch lines. Any local comedian will tell you this. The joke is not obvious enough, they need to be hinted on what the joke really is. Persona helps and on certain occasions, race too. An Indian comic to do a smart joke isn't really going happen.

Then again, there are many other elements that make a joke work but I think, a big part of it is the audience intelligence and know-how, other than the quality of the comedian. Heck, some jokes don't even follow the formula, which are the type of jokes that I'm used to writing, a lot.

Here are some one-liners designed to make you chuckle.

1) What's amnesia again?

2) Do synchronized swimmers have dry runs?

3) Funny how the first place we all learned to get high is called high school.

4) Being an underaged paedophile is fine.

5) Which dinosaur knows many words? Thesaurus

Won't get a roaring laughter and standing ovation but hey, it made you flex your brain a bit, right? RIGHT?

2010 year in review #2 February - Harith's show, CNY

Can't really remember much about February accept doing a show with Harith (Yes, THE Harith Iskander).

The invitation came as a shock to me (just like when I found out The Hanson's were not sisters). I can't remember how we got into the topic but I can recall vaguely that he texted me and asked me if I was free on so-and-so days. I was, but frankly, I wanted to say 'no' as my day job was really getting into my head. But I said 'yes' anyways because, well, it's Harith Iskander! Farking hard to say 'no' to Harith Iskander. It's like him saying 'no' to food!

Plus, Jenhan's doing it too so I thought it'll be quite a cool comedy-bromance thingy. But of course, as always, Jenhan earned it lah. Whereas me, apparently, Harith said I was 'part of his plans' from the start. Slightly proudening moment for me there - I was never 'part of (someone's) plans' except for April Fool's pranks.

So, I did the show (it's called This ... is it???, 3-7 February, 2010. My name wasn't in the poster) I came on the last two-three days and man, I sucked. Big time. Like Harith big! OK, make it Rosmah's hair big.

On the last night, the crowd gave Jenhan a standing ovation while I only earned a chuckle. If only I had one more week to prepare or better yet, if I was jobless, I would've gotten a clap.

That night, I remember going off to meet the likes of Patrick Teoh, Joanne Kam, Junji Delfino, Gavin Yap, Michael Veerapan (I think) and Douglas after the show at Patrick's steamboat place and telling them how I sucked. Man, I felt like shit - even shit won't wanna take my place. If there really was such a thing as reincarnation and karma, I must be Hitler in my past life. Oh well, at least I get to eat for free (thanks Patrick!)

After all that, MACC had our big makan! At some S. Korean barbeque place at Ampang (near Douglas' place mah) then we shisha-ed the night thru. Again, feeling the distance. I wish I had brought my Gameboy. Oh well, at least we got some nice pics of Jenhan's new toy - a period-stain coloured polaroid. KACHIK-ZRRRTTT-FWAPFWAPFWAPFWAP-VOILA!!!

Then, err, CNY I guess. It was a really convenient one too, right smacked on V-day! Lose money on V-day, instant cash back at open houses! This CNY was more memorable though - I remember going to Ipoh to meet the family, whom were getting louder (because the Golden Oldies are getting older). Also remember having some traditional Yee Sang - ye know, fresh vege, home-made gravy and none of that processed crap. Got to see my rascal-delic nephews and niece too.

And I think there's was this comedy gig at Laila's. Not a very conducive place for comedy and it was a forgettable night (both for the audience and comics) so I can't really remember much.

Well, that's all I guess. Thanks for not reading :)

Or reading but not commenting ;)

Apologies, the blogger is (still) too lazy to edit his werk.

2010 year in review #1 - MACC, book, downpayment

Told myself I should write something but, as always, you get stuck after your first sentence.
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Okay. Maybe I should write about my 2010. It's been a good year. Or maybe it's because my memory can be only stretch as far back as a year.

January: Kicked off the year brimming with optimism that it's going to a shitty year. A busy year. And it was. Still.

If I remember quite correctly, it's more than a year into my writer's job for Cosmetic Surgery and Beauty Magazine and it's more than two years since I started doing comedy on my own. Okay, to be fair, I was already on my own since forming The ComeBackKings. Well, at least I got more appreciation doing stand-up.

We kicked off Time Out KL in Zouk, having ditched Little Havana the previous year. I think we did good. We always did good at Zouk. Always.

And I recall getting some contacts from Time Out, requesting for our comedic services and after that, nothing. So much for building an industry.

That month, I was busy with MACC: First EGM (CNY Edition). It was the restaging of our first MACC show, the one where I bailed halfway thanks to a rather (late) nasty bout of chicken pox. I remember my boss asking me why I've never gotten it earlier and my reply was simply, "well, I've no friends." Note to self: In future, ask my children to befriend friends with chicken pox to avoid my predicament.

Frankly, I felt that a bit of me was lost when I had to those pox. Through MACC, I had the privilege to meet a lot of 'prominent figures' in the industry, most of whom have not seen my performance. So, for the CNY Edition, it felt like I was making a second impression. If it's hard to make a first impression, try making a second impression.

I remember going on stage and not knowing what to do. Those were my jokes but it wasn't me. Should manufacture jokes that will sit well with the Malaysian audience? By doing so, won't it impede individuality? If the entire industry is headed that way, won't it come to a point when every comedian's jokes sound more or less the same? Hmph.

Plus, I felt the gap between me and Douglas/Jenhan widening. Most of the time, I feel alone among them. Maybe it was because of my day job. And rocking up to the stage at 7pm was bad, bad for concentration and bad for fitting in with the two.

But good part was, well, we sold 90 percent of the tickets and with my share of the money, I used it for the downpayment of our current place.

And my bestie pulled a surprise birthday thingy for me on our last show day. The fifth proper birthday thingy of my life - too little to learn how important birthdays are to others.

Oh, and at the office, we got our bonuses too. Apparently, it was the company's first in five years. I joined the company a year before so I liked to think that it was part of my efforts. Finally, the book I helped wrote 7 stories finally saw the light of day. It was by far the most tiring thing I ever done since squirming out of my mom.

I also auditioned for KLPAC's indicinel!ve. Got called back but the second round of auditions fell on MACC show nights so ...

Apologies, the blogger is too lazy to edit his work. But at least this blogger has more words than photos and does not pout in his photos.

Two years is nothing...

I came across this by chance (and thanks to one of my most trusted connections).

I got to do a bit of dubbing for a local movie, which, in my mind, is going to be categorised under 'international film' thanks to our hypocritical, Malaysia 'systemisation' of things. The movie is called 'The DVD' (English/Malaysian).

Taking from the some shots of the movie that I had seen, I figured that the movie evolves around a teenager, who chose to make a quick buck from gangsters by selling them pornographic content. Gradually, he started degrading morally and got deeper into the gangsters' ways. Of course, things got out of hand (eventually) but I only know this much.

But what surprised me most was that the movie was shot 5 years ago. 5 bloody years. That's 3 more than The Joshua Tapes (a movie that I was heavily involved in) and, coming to think of it, the snippets of The DVD were better in certain ways - better picture quality, more exciting story line and shittier acting.

Suddenly, it all dawned on me that our local film industry really needs help. Taking five years for a movie (made for the cinema) to reach the cinema is pretty shit. Either that or our producers really need a kick in the butts for procrastinating. I think the motivation should come from the belief that movies are made for the viewers and not for a director's/producer's own fancy. With that, while the journey is in making a movie, the final destination of every director/producer should be the audiences' acceptance/reaction, be it applause or condemnation.

Maybe I should make a movie first before posting this. Hmph.

Unused material

Hmm. Since nobody reads this blog, I thought it'll be a wise junkyard for my unused jokes.

These jokes are, either, unused by people I write jokes for or unused due to timeliness.

So, for a start, here are some jokes I wrote for an emcee, who was doing the '100 millionth passenger party' for AirAsia and didn't use any of it. Here are the raw jokes, as copied and pasted from the MS Word file.


Jokes for AirAsia show 13/10/10

1. PILOTS

All the pilots say, WOO! All the co-pilots say, WOO! Now, all the auto-pilots says, WOO! What? You all invited so little auto-pilots? The one who does ALL the flying?!!

2. And if all of you are here, who is flying the planes? (by Matt Ho)

3. 100 million

Congratulations on your 100 millionth passenger. 100 million. In India, that’s nothing. A 100 million people is like my village. Or like my family. On my father’s side.

4. PROUD OF INDIANS

Very proud of you Indians in Malaysia. You Indians have taken everything. Outer space is taken by Ananda Krishna - Astro. On the ground, all the highways are taken by Samy Vellu. Right in middle, is Tony Fernandez.

5. RICHARD BRANSON

All the best to Tony Fernandez, I think Tony is going to beat Richard Branson in the betting game. And we are going to see Richard Branson in women’s clothing. But we all know there’s nothing Virgin about that.(by Jenhan)

6. LOOSE STEWARDESS

Thank you AirAsia for flying me down. I must say, your cabin is a bit tight but lucky your stewardesses a bit loose.

But the problem is, you girls charge for everything. By the time you take off the belt, we’re out of money.

INDIAN BARGAIN
As an Indian on an AirAsia, the flights are always shorter ... because I can’t stop bargaining. “10 ringgit for a plate of Nasi Lemak? Are you kidding me? With 10 ringgit, Tony Fernandez can buy 10 AirAsia companies!

8. MAS PORN

Personally, I don’t like really MAS Airlines. Especially, their uniform. Reminds me of a porn video I watched a long time ago.

9. ILLEGAL TAXI

For all of you who are drunk and cannot drive, don’t worry outside got a lot of illegal taxis waiting to take you home.

10. POEM

Roses are red, violets are blue, if you are getting lucky, there’s Tune Hotel for you!

I just tell jokes...

Today, someone said I look like the 'comedian' type. That I seem detached from the world and yet, have the uncanny ability to absorb every detail around me. I gathered the person is a bit psycho but I responded to the comments with my much-practised "really ah?"


The fact is, I've never set out to be a comedian (please read Back Story 1*). I just tell jokes. It's only when one is making a living out of telling jokes that makes one a comedian. Mine is just a hobby. A paid hobby.

The funny thing is, I received that comment just before my play rehearsal (please read Back Story 2*) and acting, however, feels right for me. It has always been. Sometimes, I like to think that I'm acting on stage, where I play a character that resembles a (supposed) funny version of me. Sadly, I always ended playing the struggling comedian role. I think it'll be ultra ironic if, one day, I play an unfunny comedian in a play. Hmm.

But by the looks of things, comedy pays well whereas acting, well, let's just say I'm a face transplant away from making it.

Back Story 1*
Back in 2003, I co-found a comedy group called The ComeBackKings and ever since, my work has been trying to churn out material for the group. I only started walking the path on my own in 2008, at the call of a few friends, to do stand-up comedy. Well, my stand-up comedy debut wasn't really a stand-up performance for me as I've always seen it as a "light hearted monologue".

It went (sorda) well that night and it felt good, so I started doing more. But then, I got carried away by the comedy wave and before I knew it, I was in YCOM, doing Time Out KL Comedy Thursday, performed for Comedy Club KL, opened for Harith and the MACC (the less funny one). So comedy, for me, feels more like work and not as enjoyable as acting.

Back Story 2*
I'm doing Short and Sweet, Week 1.

Life's like this ...

I'm resigned to believe that I'll never find the time to update this blog since getting this/these new job(s) but heck! I might as well put some info up while I'm here.

I now work as a full-time freelancer (yes, that is my OFFICIAL title according to my latest contract) for FHM, where I'm in full charge of the Upgrade section, FourFourTwo magazine, where I mostly do sub-editing, editing and occasionally, some writing.

On the side, I'm promoting two shows: my latest comedy show, alongside Douglas Lim and Kuah Jenhan, called MACC: Internal Affairs and my first full-length feature movie as part of the main cast. The former opens from 24th to 28th August while the latter, will hit cinemas from 30th September in GSC Pavilion, GSC Mid Valley and GSC One Utama (New Wing).

Exciting? Well, all I can see is the amount of work ahead of me. In between, I have other comedy shows (and comedians) to think about, 4 more contracted guerilla-comedy shows I must honour, and figure out how to get more money to fuel the renovation of my new house. Yes, a NEW house.

Will be moving in soon with my wifey soon but only after the dust from the renovations had settled. The estimation of the renovations add up to about RM30, 000 so do expect some red paint graffiti on my front door.

And to top it all up, I'm actually writing this because it need to vent, before I attempt to write an article about Liverpool's past glories. Nice.

Another day, another earthquake ...

Fortunately, this is the only earthquake I've ever experienced. "touch wood"

Earlier today, a 5.2 magnitude earthquake hit the southern part of Australia. In China, the government announced a national day of morning for the 2000-odd that lost their lives when a quake flattened the county of Yushu just a few days ago. The papers capitalised on the news, as always. But this year, there seems to be a new earthquake almost every other day.

Are we experiencing more earthquakes than usual? According to Wikipedia, "There are around 500,000 earthquakes each year. 100,000 of these can actually be felt." - Felt but not reported. If there are so many earthquakes, which one gets reported? If there are so many earthquakes, why can't there be 5 new news on earthquakes in one day? So why does it seem like there's more earthquakes than usual, especially this year?

My theory is, the world media is riding on our growing-anxiety about what's going to happen in 2012 (You know, the whole 'end of the world' crap). Why? Coz these stories sell papers. I think.