Medan Selera (Arena of Appetite?)

Not the best lontong in the Medan Selera but reaping the benefits as the better one was closed.

3 TIMES, I TELL YOU, 3 BLARDY TIMES!

3 times I tried flicking this baby roach away and it comes scurrying back towards my plate of lontong. It is MY lontong and I will defend it like MY Transformers collection! (OK, I only have one Transformers but it's a start.)

As a wind up my finger for my next flick, I saw a bunch of uniformed men from the Municipal Council making their way in. As they scanned around the Medan Selera, I scanned each of their faces and like everyday other Malaysian, I had this innate feeling that some poor warung might be closed down. I can even imaging some poor makcik wailing and emptying her nose into her tudung.

Instead the men sat down next to my table and started ordering food. Then it hit me, of course they're not going to close down any of the warungs in Medan Selera @ Section 14 market. Not because all the warungs are owned by Malays, it's simply because, well ... if they close these roach infested warungs, where else would these uniformed men and their colleagues eat? Also explains why more pricey makan places like Murni and Paandi's get closed down or get away with a warning (respectively).

As I slurped down the sip of kuah lontong, I spotted the little baby roach again. This time, under one of the uniformed men's thumb. Squished. Into kuah lontong.

Well, at least these men were doing their job.

It been awhile...

Since my last entry, I've been thinking about what to do with this blog.

Should I carry on.

Should I not?

Facebook and Twitter are becoming favourable domains of short-blogs.

Blogs can make you money.

Blogs have unlimited character spaces.

... and that's good enough for me =)

MACC (Malaysian Association of Chinese Comedians) 1st Easy Going Meeting

Douglas Lim had a dream. A dream to bring laughter to the world. A dream to spread joy across the land. Unfortunately, fate conspired against him. He was born Chinese and was not eligible for Raja Lawak.

But Douglas Lim never gave up. Convinced that the Chinese can be funny, he scoured the country for like-minded (and like-coloured) people. He searched high and low, far and wide and upside down. After 3 years, the search has ended. For behold, he is tired AND he has found 2 other jokers.

Together they are M.A.C.C. – the Malaysian Association of Chinese Comedians and this is their first E.G.M. (Easy Going Meeting). On the agenda are funny observations, song parodies, impersonations and witty revelations from the founding members of M.A.C.C – Douglas Lim, Jenhan and Chi Ho.

No stone is left unturned. Nothing is sacred – well except for sacred things which MUST NEVER be questioned by ALL Malaysians. M.A.C.C.’s first E.G.M. promises to be a laugh-out-loud affair for the whole family providing that your family is:

-English speaking

-easily amused

-at the show

M.A.C.C.’s first E.G.M. will commence at the PJ Live Arts Centre, Jaya ONE, on the following days:-

Saturday, 17 October @ 9pm

Sunday, 18 October @ 3pm - Matinee

Sunday, 18 October @ 9pm

Saturday, 24 October @ 9pm

Sunday, 25 October @ 3pm - Matinee

Sunday, 25 October @ 9pm

ALL SHOWS AT ONLY RM 33.88

Tickets available at TICKETCHARGE (603) 2241 9999 OR visit www.ticketcharge.com.my

This Performance Is Brought To You By Principal Connection (M) Sdn Bhd

Supported By Young Comedians of Malaysia

He ain't heavy (but) he's my bother...

If I had to choose, I rather be the only child. But I hope my brother is not thinking the same...

I can only pick out the positives if the family accident didn't happen (my brother).

1) My parents would love me more (because they have no choice)
2) I would still have my Transformers toys and Lego sets in one piece (when you're an elder brother in a Chinese family, there are no personal belongings. Even PCs in an oxymoron)
3) I would've gotten more money from ang pows (oh, before the accident, I was the youngest in family)
4) I don't have to chauffeur, be his personal alarm clock or his mobile ATM

But then again, my brother is a very fun guy. Because he does many things that I can post on the Internet. For instance, my brother is staunch believe in clocking 8 hours of sleep a day. So, whenever time permits, he sleeps, regardless where, how, when or with who. Once, he slept at the backseat, next to my aunty-cousin Kym, who was convinced he was induced with sleeping pills.

Why? Well, here is a visual tour of my brother's siesta fiesta...

Oh well, having siblings is not all bad la I guess...

JUST TOO MUCH!

This was stuck in my head for quite awhile now. Only until recently, I felt that I finally have the evidence (I think) to back me up (I hope). The topic of the day is - ARE THERE IMPORTANT NEWS THAT OUR MEDIA IS NOT REPORTING?

When the news of Nurin's kidnapped were still prominent on the pages, I realized there were more reports on other kidnappings. When the media grew tired about Nurin (and so did the readers), there was a quite period of zero kidnap reports. Do you realize this? It is almost as if there's a season of kidnappings. A season for rape cases. A season for Ah Long murder cases.

The recent boat accidents and the rempits' manslaughter of pregnant women only further strengthen my claims. These cases seem all too coincidental. Two separate incidents and two potential front page news just two days in between?

Of course, we can argue that, in case of passion and/or hate crimes, perhaps hearing news that relate to one's own dark intentions or plans might increase the urge to do the same. Or perhaps these cases happen everyday but the media only chooses to report it only when there's a potential frontpager. Then the season starts; the less severe or minor but related news are chucked in to gauge readership.

For example, the rempits snatched the life a pregnant women and the next day, another pregnant women suffered the same fate. Coincidence? Elevated urge from hearing related news? Media wants to sell the papers? You decide?

Then again, our papers constantly publish news of incest cases. It seems like these cases happen every single day. And why? Well, if you notice, these news are popular or most read on the media's websites. And yes, it does seem that these cases everyday. On the back of our heads, we want to think that it happens, morbidly speaking. If that is so, would you still believe that the boat accidents and the rempits' rampage somehow, coincidently, happened within such a short period? This cases also seem like it happens everyday and obviously more than it's reported.

Is it the face?

"Hey, what's that?", I would randomly ask someone, pointing to one's face and, before he or she could digest what was asked, I would then say, "Oh, nothing... it's just your face."

Well, if you can't smell something sarcastic already, then, then you might not think I'm mean and I would think that you're slow. (See, didn't get it again!??) But sometimes, I think it all backfires, you know, being mean, sarcastic and too honest while those feeling hurt are just too sissy. For instance, today.

In my job line as a writer for a plastic surgery magazine, interviewing plastic surgeons is part and parcel. But, that's the fun side of the job; you learn a lot of interesting things along the way and makes you constantly think, "Hey, I can do this for the rest of my life!"

However, its the people I meet in clinics that irks me. They're clients of the doctors. I know this for a fact as they look, well, aesthetically enhanced (at some areas).

First, they'll take a glance at me; this boyish looking chap, sitting there waiting. And they'll turn away. Confused, they'll turn for a second look. This is when we'll make eye contact and in that moment, I can deduce, using my pre-cognitive senses, that, without a doubt, in their mind, they're saying something along the lines of - "Look at him, I would do something too if I look like that."

Man... maybe in the later part of my writing career, I would be able to coax surgeons to gimme a makeover. But until then, I would have to endure those odd glances and uncomfortable stares. I wonder if I'm alone in this, being ugly and over-subservient to pessimistic thoughts every time someone steals a glance...

Signalling a comeback...

It's been awhile and just like a Manchester United's game against Tottenham over the weekend, any time is a good time for a comeback.

Many things have happened since my absence from the blog - got a job, did more stand-up shows, lost much of my life/spirit, had dengue (again), overnight-ed for the first time in a hospital, etc. But I guess, nothing drains one as much as their job(s).

In my case, it definitely robbed me of my writing mojo (if I ever had). Well, the thing is, I am writer now and well, I write for a very unconventional magazine - Cosmetic Surgery and Beauty magazine

Yea. So with no prior experience in writing (well, if writing comedy scripts count) this is rather 180 degree turnaround. And as the name of magazine says it, having to weave medical babble with some flair in literature sucked whatever creativity I had in me. Hence, I took a sabbatical from blogging with hopes of discovering what I have lost (if any).

On the bright side, I can safely say I moonlight as a (struggling) comedian now. Although I feel that not many approves me as a comedian, I have people like Saiful Apek and Mawi on my side, whom, in spite of their abilities, they're highly regarded. And frankly, its not because they're good at what they do but they have a following.

So I thought, maybe, its a good idea to create a following. Which is why I always translate this into whatever I do to promote YCOM (Young Comedians of Malaysia). And for those who don't know YCOM, well, fundamentally briefly, YCOM is a union/an association/a loose collaboration/a bunch of (in-bitching-rumour-spreading) friends that offer guidance, help, contacts and effort budding local comedians and to build a viable comedy scene in Malaysia.

Due to the various topics our comics touch on, whether its condescending or clean, its always a challenge in Malaysia as, we feel, the audience prefer physical comedy (although I do perform this within the frame of my bed) and they want their comedy, as fellow comedian Faisal said, spoon-fed to them. Popular comedy here in Malaysia is, well, not so popular as many would think. So, how the fuck do we get a viable crowd that adheres the brand of comedy YCOM brings? Well, that's why we need to start a following.

With that aside, I'll just quickly dive into my recent dengue daze. Its the second time I scored a positive for dengue. Which tells me two things; aedes mozzies like me and god hates me (so, here's to you god *shows the finger*). But damn, it took awhile for the dengue disease to unveal itself.

For two whole weeks, I was left figuring out what's wrong with me - on & off high-fever (dengue symptom), no joint pains (not a dengue symptom), full-body rash (dengue symptom but not a dengue rash), dizziness (dengue symptom and also, when you're partially drunk), dwindling platelet count (DEFINITELY dengue!), etc. So, two whole weeks of this shit, two visits to various doctors (both hoping I have joint pains so that they can stick me in the hospital).

Then, on a Sunday afternoon, whilst watching Australian Football, the symptom I've been waiting for broke out... full body rash! So I am off to the hospital, tried to stay alive for around 4 hours before they finally tossed me on a sick bed. From then till Wednesday night, they tested my blood every damn morning. My platelet count in sequence read; Sunday - 113, Monday - 101, Tuesday - 100, Wednesday - 137! So, after enduring 3 sleepless nights, over 6 litres of IV fluid, countless tablets, myriad ugly nurses, I'm off from the hospital.

But (note to self), do not have physical sports within 3-days from getting your blood count normalize coz' DAMN!

So well, I'm back and hope I can this up ... the blog, I mean.

All thought out and no place to show...

The brain is a wonderful... err, thing. Almost our whole life, we think that we know how our brains work but we don't. At least for me.

At first I thought, "Having a mundane/redundant job would rob me of my precious creative juices (if any) so it'll be great if I can find a job that taps the creative side of me (if there is)."

So I waited. And waited. And waited. And when chance came, I signed up as a writer for a local magazine. The job did tap and demand a bit of creativity but soon, I realized, the magazine owes me my creativity.

I'm thinking a lot more nonsense now. These nonsense pinball in my cranium 24/7 and adrenaline builds up from the friction, fuelling my sleepless nights. It's like I'm going schizo or at least, harbour the traits.

Despite that, I think it's a good idea to chuck these nonsense into cyberspace - the digital fixed deposit for nonsense. Here goes...

Weird product taglines Beastiality: In dog we thrust.

Weird video games Need for speedos

Weird porn video names Clithanger, Womb Raider, In Diana Jones, Meat Joe Black

Crap. Now you know what I think of half the time... better stop here.

THIS BLOG CAN SAVE YOUR LIFE... IF NOT, YOUR MyVi

This blog will explain why MyVi steering wheel rattles when the brakes are deployed.

A few weeks ago, I sent my MyVi for a routine service - tyre rotation, balancing and alignment. I left my car with my trustee mechanic and headed off for some breakfast nearby. Upon returning to the bengkel, the mechanic greeted me with some ill news. He said he need to change the brake pads of my car. Sensing that CNY is just around the corner, I first thought the mechanic was just ripping me off. And boy was I wrong.

Ignoring me, the mechanic proceeded to remove the break pads and this was what I saw.Do you see it? No? One brake pad is totally worn off to the base while the other still seems OK. The deepness of the gorge at the center of the brake pads show how much steel was unevenly eaten up!

For non-car-geeks just like me, I will try to give my best dummy-proof explanation about the function of brake pads. The brake pad is about as thick/thin as a slice of white bread and about half its size. See picture of the unused brake pad.Each pads is on either side of the brake disc, which is attached to the wheel on the same wheel shaft. Its about the size of a dinner plate (almost as thick as well) and a few times the size of a brake pad. Every wheel on a car has a disc, every disc is has two brake pads on either side.
As you would imagine, when you stomp the brakes, the two brake pads will sandwich the disc, grinding your car to a halt. Obviously, after some time, your break pads will wear off. Pure physics and chemistry.

However, with my MyVi, the outer break pads of my front wheels wore off more significantly than the inner break pads, as you can see in the picture below.Apparently, according to the mechanic, the same thing is happening to his MyVi as well as the MyVis of most of his customers! When I checked with my dad, who used to be a mechanic, he attributed the occurence to a 'design flaw'.

You see, when the two brake pads eat into the disc, it is supposed to do so with equal force. But this is not with the MyVi. And both my old and the mechanic also mentioned that, due to the inequal force, the disc will gradually bend and lose its shape. This explains why your steering wheel rattles when you jam the brakes. The two brake pads are clamping on the uneven brake discs!

And there's a conspiracy behind these occurences as well - Perodua Service Centres will rectify the problem for free! Seems like they knew the problem before us. Care to ask them why the steering rattles the next time to take your car for a service?

So, unlike Perodua, please warn your MyVi-using friends and have some care for the lives of those in your MyVi as well. Feedback, comments and discussions are encouraged...

Pink is the new black is the new pink is the...

Just before the last corner to my lady's abode, I was forced to shimmy my car past a horde of very young, very boyish and very kampung primary schoolers. I can't help but stare at them and besides wondering what they'll grow up into, I realized those kids wore their eyes out its sockets in admiration of another kid's bicycle. Why? Coz that manual chopper boast a newly painted coat of baby pink. And before I could lower my jaw and switch on my dumbfound-face, two more much senior kids approached the group, each with a cigarette sticking out of their pie holes, each looking really badass-with-the-chains-and-shit and each manoeuvring their own baby pink bicycles. WTFOMFGROFL!

There is something about this neighbourhood that I have yet to understand but at that point, all I can think about is the evolution of the colour pink.

Its a chicken or egg question really. Pink started off as an innocent colour with no representations tagged to it but is it the colour that represents girly-ness or does girly-ness represent pink? I don't when that representation started but it didn't go very well with boys and guy-ish men. Back then, the guy-ish of men would accuse pink wearing males as gay.

That delusion lasted for quite awhile before the men of today started growing the balls to don something pink. The excuse behind this phenomenon sounds something like 'men who are afraid to wear pink are just insecure with the their own sexuality'. This great conversation of mankind spurred burly and stocky men to turn pink from a trend to mainstream fashion. But what's important is that, now, pink represents the colour of the man of men! Man who knows what they are inside and won't flinch over what they wear on the outside.

But somehow, the natural vicissitudes of cultural assimilation, which has something to do with how one defines certain representations, the colour pink somehow ends up on the bicycles of our nation's hopeful 'hopelesses', still representing the size of their male egos.

What the pink!

I hope thongs don't follow the same fate though...