JUST TOO MUCH!

This was stuck in my head for quite awhile now. Only until recently, I felt that I finally have the evidence (I think) to back me up (I hope). The topic of the day is - ARE THERE IMPORTANT NEWS THAT OUR MEDIA IS NOT REPORTING?

When the news of Nurin's kidnapped were still prominent on the pages, I realized there were more reports on other kidnappings. When the media grew tired about Nurin (and so did the readers), there was a quite period of zero kidnap reports. Do you realize this? It is almost as if there's a season of kidnappings. A season for rape cases. A season for Ah Long murder cases.

The recent boat accidents and the rempits' manslaughter of pregnant women only further strengthen my claims. These cases seem all too coincidental. Two separate incidents and two potential front page news just two days in between?

Of course, we can argue that, in case of passion and/or hate crimes, perhaps hearing news that relate to one's own dark intentions or plans might increase the urge to do the same. Or perhaps these cases happen everyday but the media only chooses to report it only when there's a potential frontpager. Then the season starts; the less severe or minor but related news are chucked in to gauge readership.

For example, the rempits snatched the life a pregnant women and the next day, another pregnant women suffered the same fate. Coincidence? Elevated urge from hearing related news? Media wants to sell the papers? You decide?

Then again, our papers constantly publish news of incest cases. It seems like these cases happen every single day. And why? Well, if you notice, these news are popular or most read on the media's websites. And yes, it does seem that these cases everyday. On the back of our heads, we want to think that it happens, morbidly speaking. If that is so, would you still believe that the boat accidents and the rempits' rampage somehow, coincidently, happened within such a short period? This cases also seem like it happens everyday and obviously more than it's reported.

Is it the face?

"Hey, what's that?", I would randomly ask someone, pointing to one's face and, before he or she could digest what was asked, I would then say, "Oh, nothing... it's just your face."

Well, if you can't smell something sarcastic already, then, then you might not think I'm mean and I would think that you're slow. (See, didn't get it again!??) But sometimes, I think it all backfires, you know, being mean, sarcastic and too honest while those feeling hurt are just too sissy. For instance, today.

In my job line as a writer for a plastic surgery magazine, interviewing plastic surgeons is part and parcel. But, that's the fun side of the job; you learn a lot of interesting things along the way and makes you constantly think, "Hey, I can do this for the rest of my life!"

However, its the people I meet in clinics that irks me. They're clients of the doctors. I know this for a fact as they look, well, aesthetically enhanced (at some areas).

First, they'll take a glance at me; this boyish looking chap, sitting there waiting. And they'll turn away. Confused, they'll turn for a second look. This is when we'll make eye contact and in that moment, I can deduce, using my pre-cognitive senses, that, without a doubt, in their mind, they're saying something along the lines of - "Look at him, I would do something too if I look like that."

Man... maybe in the later part of my writing career, I would be able to coax surgeons to gimme a makeover. But until then, I would have to endure those odd glances and uncomfortable stares. I wonder if I'm alone in this, being ugly and over-subservient to pessimistic thoughts every time someone steals a glance...

Signalling a comeback...

It's been awhile and just like a Manchester United's game against Tottenham over the weekend, any time is a good time for a comeback.

Many things have happened since my absence from the blog - got a job, did more stand-up shows, lost much of my life/spirit, had dengue (again), overnight-ed for the first time in a hospital, etc. But I guess, nothing drains one as much as their job(s).

In my case, it definitely robbed me of my writing mojo (if I ever had). Well, the thing is, I am writer now and well, I write for a very unconventional magazine - Cosmetic Surgery and Beauty magazine

Yea. So with no prior experience in writing (well, if writing comedy scripts count) this is rather 180 degree turnaround. And as the name of magazine says it, having to weave medical babble with some flair in literature sucked whatever creativity I had in me. Hence, I took a sabbatical from blogging with hopes of discovering what I have lost (if any).

On the bright side, I can safely say I moonlight as a (struggling) comedian now. Although I feel that not many approves me as a comedian, I have people like Saiful Apek and Mawi on my side, whom, in spite of their abilities, they're highly regarded. And frankly, its not because they're good at what they do but they have a following.

So I thought, maybe, its a good idea to create a following. Which is why I always translate this into whatever I do to promote YCOM (Young Comedians of Malaysia). And for those who don't know YCOM, well, fundamentally briefly, YCOM is a union/an association/a loose collaboration/a bunch of (in-bitching-rumour-spreading) friends that offer guidance, help, contacts and effort budding local comedians and to build a viable comedy scene in Malaysia.

Due to the various topics our comics touch on, whether its condescending or clean, its always a challenge in Malaysia as, we feel, the audience prefer physical comedy (although I do perform this within the frame of my bed) and they want their comedy, as fellow comedian Faisal said, spoon-fed to them. Popular comedy here in Malaysia is, well, not so popular as many would think. So, how the fuck do we get a viable crowd that adheres the brand of comedy YCOM brings? Well, that's why we need to start a following.

With that aside, I'll just quickly dive into my recent dengue daze. Its the second time I scored a positive for dengue. Which tells me two things; aedes mozzies like me and god hates me (so, here's to you god *shows the finger*). But damn, it took awhile for the dengue disease to unveal itself.

For two whole weeks, I was left figuring out what's wrong with me - on & off high-fever (dengue symptom), no joint pains (not a dengue symptom), full-body rash (dengue symptom but not a dengue rash), dizziness (dengue symptom and also, when you're partially drunk), dwindling platelet count (DEFINITELY dengue!), etc. So, two whole weeks of this shit, two visits to various doctors (both hoping I have joint pains so that they can stick me in the hospital).

Then, on a Sunday afternoon, whilst watching Australian Football, the symptom I've been waiting for broke out... full body rash! So I am off to the hospital, tried to stay alive for around 4 hours before they finally tossed me on a sick bed. From then till Wednesday night, they tested my blood every damn morning. My platelet count in sequence read; Sunday - 113, Monday - 101, Tuesday - 100, Wednesday - 137! So, after enduring 3 sleepless nights, over 6 litres of IV fluid, countless tablets, myriad ugly nurses, I'm off from the hospital.

But (note to self), do not have physical sports within 3-days from getting your blood count normalize coz' DAMN!

So well, I'm back and hope I can this up ... the blog, I mean.

All thought out and no place to show...

The brain is a wonderful... err, thing. Almost our whole life, we think that we know how our brains work but we don't. At least for me.

At first I thought, "Having a mundane/redundant job would rob me of my precious creative juices (if any) so it'll be great if I can find a job that taps the creative side of me (if there is)."

So I waited. And waited. And waited. And when chance came, I signed up as a writer for a local magazine. The job did tap and demand a bit of creativity but soon, I realized, the magazine owes me my creativity.

I'm thinking a lot more nonsense now. These nonsense pinball in my cranium 24/7 and adrenaline builds up from the friction, fuelling my sleepless nights. It's like I'm going schizo or at least, harbour the traits.

Despite that, I think it's a good idea to chuck these nonsense into cyberspace - the digital fixed deposit for nonsense. Here goes...

Weird product taglines Beastiality: In dog we thrust.

Weird video games Need for speedos

Weird porn video names Clithanger, Womb Raider, In Diana Jones, Meat Joe Black

Crap. Now you know what I think of half the time... better stop here.

THIS BLOG CAN SAVE YOUR LIFE... IF NOT, YOUR MyVi

This blog will explain why MyVi steering wheel rattles when the brakes are deployed.

A few weeks ago, I sent my MyVi for a routine service - tyre rotation, balancing and alignment. I left my car with my trustee mechanic and headed off for some breakfast nearby. Upon returning to the bengkel, the mechanic greeted me with some ill news. He said he need to change the brake pads of my car. Sensing that CNY is just around the corner, I first thought the mechanic was just ripping me off. And boy was I wrong.

Ignoring me, the mechanic proceeded to remove the break pads and this was what I saw.Do you see it? No? One brake pad is totally worn off to the base while the other still seems OK. The deepness of the gorge at the center of the brake pads show how much steel was unevenly eaten up!

For non-car-geeks just like me, I will try to give my best dummy-proof explanation about the function of brake pads. The brake pad is about as thick/thin as a slice of white bread and about half its size. See picture of the unused brake pad.Each pads is on either side of the brake disc, which is attached to the wheel on the same wheel shaft. Its about the size of a dinner plate (almost as thick as well) and a few times the size of a brake pad. Every wheel on a car has a disc, every disc is has two brake pads on either side.
As you would imagine, when you stomp the brakes, the two brake pads will sandwich the disc, grinding your car to a halt. Obviously, after some time, your break pads will wear off. Pure physics and chemistry.

However, with my MyVi, the outer break pads of my front wheels wore off more significantly than the inner break pads, as you can see in the picture below.Apparently, according to the mechanic, the same thing is happening to his MyVi as well as the MyVis of most of his customers! When I checked with my dad, who used to be a mechanic, he attributed the occurence to a 'design flaw'.

You see, when the two brake pads eat into the disc, it is supposed to do so with equal force. But this is not with the MyVi. And both my old and the mechanic also mentioned that, due to the inequal force, the disc will gradually bend and lose its shape. This explains why your steering wheel rattles when you jam the brakes. The two brake pads are clamping on the uneven brake discs!

And there's a conspiracy behind these occurences as well - Perodua Service Centres will rectify the problem for free! Seems like they knew the problem before us. Care to ask them why the steering rattles the next time to take your car for a service?

So, unlike Perodua, please warn your MyVi-using friends and have some care for the lives of those in your MyVi as well. Feedback, comments and discussions are encouraged...

Pink is the new black is the new pink is the...

Just before the last corner to my lady's abode, I was forced to shimmy my car past a horde of very young, very boyish and very kampung primary schoolers. I can't help but stare at them and besides wondering what they'll grow up into, I realized those kids wore their eyes out its sockets in admiration of another kid's bicycle. Why? Coz that manual chopper boast a newly painted coat of baby pink. And before I could lower my jaw and switch on my dumbfound-face, two more much senior kids approached the group, each with a cigarette sticking out of their pie holes, each looking really badass-with-the-chains-and-shit and each manoeuvring their own baby pink bicycles. WTFOMFGROFL!

There is something about this neighbourhood that I have yet to understand but at that point, all I can think about is the evolution of the colour pink.

Its a chicken or egg question really. Pink started off as an innocent colour with no representations tagged to it but is it the colour that represents girly-ness or does girly-ness represent pink? I don't when that representation started but it didn't go very well with boys and guy-ish men. Back then, the guy-ish of men would accuse pink wearing males as gay.

That delusion lasted for quite awhile before the men of today started growing the balls to don something pink. The excuse behind this phenomenon sounds something like 'men who are afraid to wear pink are just insecure with the their own sexuality'. This great conversation of mankind spurred burly and stocky men to turn pink from a trend to mainstream fashion. But what's important is that, now, pink represents the colour of the man of men! Man who knows what they are inside and won't flinch over what they wear on the outside.

But somehow, the natural vicissitudes of cultural assimilation, which has something to do with how one defines certain representations, the colour pink somehow ends up on the bicycles of our nation's hopeful 'hopelesses', still representing the size of their male egos.

What the pink!

I hope thongs don't follow the same fate though...

YOGAGAGA!!!

As a part-time comedian, I can't but laugh after reading Sunday's news headline - YOGA BAN. Although the ban was quite expected since other 'thoughtful' fatwas were passed previously, I find this one slightly overboard. Overboard not because yoga, to me, is quite an innocent practice but it puts a huge question mark on how the religion of Islam is deemed by the clergies in Malaysia.

As one of my friends have pointed out, here in Malaysia we practice a commercialized version of yoga that, to an extent, distance itself from the whole chanting of Hindu mantras "with the aim of being one with God". Honestly, I didn't even know yoga has anything to do with Hinduism (and I bet many who practice it don't know it either or just don't give a shit) but thanks to our 'thoughtful' clergies, now I know.

I won't spill the beans, unlike our fellow fatwans, the fact that, for many years, our Malay Muslim friends have been enjoying a local delicacy called tapai, which is lovely blend rice and the natural-alcohol-producing process called fermentation. On this, allow me to quote from the today's paper - "one part of yoga would lead to another" (The Star) and DANG!, one tea spoon of tapai can lead to a generation of drunken Muslims? Gimme a break!

The article also pointed out that "practising yoga even as a form of exercise as it would ultimately lead to worshipping and chanting, which is against Islam. In Islam, a believer must not do things that can erode one's aqidah or faith." Hmmm. I may not be of any religion but I really do think that, as a believer of Islam, a Muslim should strengthen his or her beliefs from within himself or herself to vindicate themselves against, not only other religious practices and elements, but also against pessimism that a small element of another religion can actually affect a religion of Islam's stature. Whose aqidah eroded I wonder...

Plus, if the practice of yoga does allow its practioners to be 'one with God', a Muslim need not worry since there is only one God so its all one and the same one mah! Choi!

Before I make anymore Muslim enemies, I just like to issue a warning to the pole dancers, tap dancers, shufflers and swingers out there to be wary of the probability of getting haramed!

Robotech: The Movie?!?! THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH!

OK, movie producers have now crossed the line. First, they gave Optimus Prime puny-pouty mouth. Second, they shot a white boy as Son-Goku. Third, G.I Joe is conforming to the 'coolness' tag - all black uniforms and please... Destro is not Destro without his metallic silver head. Fifth, why the hell are they reprising RoboCop?

And now, they thinking of adapting Robotech in the big screen! ROBOTECH! NO! It's a classic so let's just keep it that way! Robotech used to be our perfect weekend wake up call - every Saturday, 9.30am, TV2. I'm calling out to all 80's baby out there to pray to whatever God or teapot you worship and stop these 80s cartoon carnage we are going through right now!

I hope they don't adapt Voltron. Voltron, please defend yourself. Always remember, you are "VOLTRON, DEFENDER OF THE UNIVERSE" *(sing with me everyone -dee, derd, derd, daaaa, derd, daaaaaaaa, derd, derd, daa, derd, derd, daa')

p/s: In spite of all that is said, adapting M.A.S.K in the big screen would be cool. Wouldn't it?

Road to being almost famous...

~Maybe its the way I look~ That's what I always think or blame whenever I count my chances of being popular, famous or rather, just being recognized for what I do.

Its crap how most people, namely the double X's, judge others so quickly on face value. In my case, most people seem to perceive, almost naturally, that I am just a wannabe, not talented, underachieving, a tag-along, incapable and what not. Chicks don't dig me (not like I care la) and guys don't take me seriously. A Mr. Nobody.

These are the advantages that I can manipulate through my activities of interest - such as acting, performing, writing and so on, to raise a few eyebrows along the way and eliminating doubts of who/what I actually am or can be.

Take for instance, my debut stand-up skit. With my rather Thai/Cambo/Bugis look, I doubt people would actually take my comedy seriously. So, I developed a character that suits my looks and ultimately, allow people to project their stereotypes towards the character - a Chinaman. I didn't exactly pull the Chinaman role well but I'm doing whatever it takes to make jokes work. Especially if the jokes are from me.



Other than stand-up, there is a particular career that I've always wanted to venture in - acting. Yep. But chances are, this face will not land me a major role unless someone is planning a remake of The Elephant Man or another Trekkie flick on Klingons (pronounced cling-on, explains the way they are as well). Nevertheless, being a Chinese growing up in Malaysia means that I'm diffusely exposed to TVB dramas some point in my life and through the dramas, I find hope in pursuing an acting career here. In TVB dramas, there are the main actors, followed by the supporting actors and the KLFs (keh-leh-feh aka extras).

And just like that same old lady, who played the perpetually crying maid in a post-WWII genre drama, the good hearted citizen in another medieval China drama and the sneaky-mahjong-playing-rumour-spreading aunty in another contemporary drama, one can make a living out of just being a KLF! I hope the industry is like that back here in Malaysia cause I held rather small but significant (Ahem!) role in Kerana Karina 3! I play Marvin, a sound engineer, whose moralistic ideals determine the fate of the main character and ultimately, the flow of the series itself! MUAHAHAHAHA!

Click here, watch the video and try to spot me around minute 2:50. MUAHAHAHAHA!

Fame, here I come!

To sell a gun...

After watching Iron Man for like 8 times the past few months, the movie got me thinking: HOW DOES ONE ADVERTISE FIREARMS?

OK, I might think and sound like a nerd some times, but frankly, most of the time I'm a geek. Moving on swiftly, the basis of the question came out of watching movies like 'Thank You for Smoking' and 'Lord of War', which underline one issue: HOW DOES ONE SELL GOODS THAT PROMOTE DEATH?

In the TYfS, despite stringent regulations limiting cigarette ads on all media plains, the MODs (Merchant Of Death) are able to negotiate tie-ins with prominent people from various industries and at the end of the day, an inherent message that tells us to smoke is out somewhere, waiting to lure the weak and the healthy. As for LoW, Cage's character depended on revenue from his underground connections, who seem to know so much about guns without the means of attaining information about one. Hmmm.

Then, the Iron Man movie brought up an issue co-relating wars and advertising for firearms. In the scene where Tony Stark presented a new missile 'that you only have to fire once' before launching it at a nearby mountain range, reducing it to a pile dust (without first considering any inhabitants within the proximity. Very American.) , a neurotransmitter in one of my lobes sparked and a question popped up - How does one advertise firearms?

Well, WAR of course!

For instance, the recent Iraq bombardment: news reporters stationed at the outskirts of Baghdad, waiting to capture the impending US attack without a hint of fear who being killed. Why? Maybe its a well planned marketing strategy or guerilla advertising or what not. The spectacle of Baghdad's destruction and the sheer firepower, accuracy and might of the US Army's latest firearms in every news headline around the world seemed too good an advertising and PR initiative for a country that controls 69% of firearms production in the world.

Unfortunately, things turned for the worst in Iraq, dismantling Iraq's status quo under Saddam and the capture of the alleged tyrant wasn't enough bring about peace, as the US assumed. Yet, the apparent war in Iraq dragged on, taking more lives than any tyrant or leader that has ever graced the land formerly known as Babylon. Oh, I forgot, what was the US mission again? Was it to find weapons of mass destruction, to assasinate a tyrant or to find oil? If its not accomplished, did it fail? No wait, I can't say that yet since the US Army is still fighting there even if they have no direction and purpose. OK, then what is the mission NOW?

Previous US war campaigns weren't spelt out in full either. After WWII, firearm production companies were left in a lurch; left-over guns, bombs and bullets piled in heaps waiting to rust. So, the government, unable to re-pay the companies, financed wars instead to establish the US as the 'world's peacekeeper', 'force of democracy' and what not to encourage others to fight for the same cause, thus, creating new customers. Just name me a post-WWII US president without a war in his CV or anything close to a war lah.

The ad campaign theory also explains the reason behind the post-WWII wars and proxy-wars

1) 50's Korean War (wtf for again?)

2) 60's Bay of Pigs (almost a) War (The Cuban Missile Crisis - didn't pull a trigger but sight of US Destroyers parked at the porch of Cuba is a good ad!)

3) 70's Vietnam War (other than the Vietnamese tactics, pre-war research and survey probably lost the war of the US but hey, new product - Napalm bomb!

4) 80's US providing firearms mercenaries in South America

5) 90's The Gulf War (re-use of WWII left-overs and 40 tanks trundling across the desert and kicking-up dust is a cool ad!)

6) 00's War on Terrorism (OK. This is the confusing one since US have surpassed the killings of their alledged terrorists. Right now, the terrorists are just killing to live up to their name.)

7) 06's Lebonese War (Its just a soft way to take out Hezbollah's strong hold that is Lebanon. Everyday kidnappings and hostage situations happen in that part of Middle-East but flattening a country for just two kidnapped Israeli soldiers is a really bad excuse)

Right... now where was I? Dang, I lost my plot. Oh well, I've typed this much already anyway...